Global Dolphin Population Files Class Action Lawsuit for Defamation

Scientists around the world expressed shock and amazement on Monday morning, as the world population of approximately 600,000 bottlenose dolphins filed a class-action lawsuit against the Miami Dolphins football team for defamation.  “The Miami football organization has caused irreparable harm to our image, making us appear feeble, weak, an incapable of completing simple screens and slant patterns,” bottlenose dolphin leadership said, according to a translated statement.

Though bottlenose dolphins have long been known to be extremely smart and exhibit many complex behaviors, they were not previously known to be capable of being this litigious. Look for more coverage of this lawsuit in the Hard Knocks/Planet Earth crossover event coming to HBO and BBC in 2020.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Scientists around the world expressed shock and amazement on Monday morning, as the world population of approximately 600,000 bottlenose dolphins filed a class-action lawsuit against the Miami Dolphins football team for defamation.  “The Miami football organization has caused irreparable harm to our image, making us appear feeble, weak, an incapable of completing simple screens and slant patterns,” bottlenose dolphin leadership said, according to a translated statement.

Though bottlenose dolphins have long been known to be extremely smart and exhibit many complex behaviors, they were not previously known to be capable of being this litigious. Look for more coverage of this lawsuit in the Hard Knocks/Planet Earth crossover event coming to HBO and BBC in 2020.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Eddy Pineiro Inks 10 year, $250 Million Contract Extension

On the heels of the Bears kicker nailing a 53-yard game winner on Sunday, the team announced a mega extension for Eddy Pineiro.  The contract, which fully guarantees Pineiro a quarter of a billion dollars, makes him the highest paid athlete in the world.  “People may be surprised at the topline figures, but to be honest I think Eddy is still a little underpaid,” said Bears coach Matt Nagy, who, in an unprecedented move, took out a second mortgage on his home to help the team facilitate the deal.

Pineiro told reporters that he is thrilled with the money, but added that Nagy legally changing all four of his sons’ names to “Eddy” was a bit much.  We’ll see how this dynamic affects the team going forward.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

On the heels of the Bears kicker nailing a 53-yard game winner on Sunday, the team announced a mega extension for Eddy Pineiro.  The contract, which fully guarantees Pineiro a quarter of a billion dollars, makes him the highest paid athlete in the world.  “People may be surprised at the topline figures, but to be honest I think Eddy is still a little underpaid,” said Bears coach Matt Nagy, who, in an unprecedented move, took out a second mortgage on his home to help the team facilitate the deal.

Pineiro told reporters that he is thrilled with the money, but added that Nagy legally changing all four of his sons’ names to “Eddy” was a bit much.  We’ll see how this dynamic affects the team going forward.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Kirk Cousins: “I Just Need Five, Six More Years to Gel with This Offense”

After a terrible performance against the Packers yesterday, in which the Vikings QB completed just 43.8 percent of his passes and threw a backbreaking interception in the end zone, Kirk Cousins cited a lack of familiarity with his offensive personnel and coaching staff as the primary cause of his struggles.  “If you think about it, I only signed with this team 18 months ago. I’m still getting to know everyone.  And that’s been a slow process because I’ve tried to hang out with guys and bond with them off the field, but weirdly Stefon Diggs has had dinner plans he can’t get out of every day for the last year and a half.”

Cousins added that if he can just get one or two more extremely high-value and fully guaranteed contracts, then this offense could really start to click.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

After a terrible performance against the Packers yesterday, in which the Vikings QB completed just 43.8 percent of his passes and threw a backbreaking interception in the end zone, Kirk Cousins cited a lack of familiarity with his offensive personnel and coaching staff as the primary cause of his struggles.  “If you think about it, I only signed with this team 18 months ago. I’m still getting to know everyone.  And that’s been a slow process because I’ve tried to hang out with guys and bond with them off the field, but weirdly Stefon Diggs has had dinner plans he can’t get out of every day for the last year and a half.”

Cousins added that if he can just get one or two more extremely high-value and fully guaranteed contracts, then this offense could really start to click.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Old Woman of the Woods Thinks Cam Newton Could Have Played Better

With Cam Newton presumably icing down his shoulder, an old woman left her thatch roofed hut to speak to the media on Thursday night.

We may have over-drafted Curtis Samuel.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

With Cam Newton presumably icing down his shoulder, an old woman left her thatch roofed hut to speak to the media on Thursday night.

We may have over-drafted Curtis Samuel.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Jameis Contracts Salmonella After Eating Undercooked W

Despite an erratic performance in which he took needless sacks and had several off-target throws, Bucs QB Jameis Winston hastily consumed a W on Thursday night.  That may have been a mistake.  According to team sources, Jameis spent most of the night sweating profusely and huddled around his toilet bowl, and his Week 3 status is now in serious doubt.

The Surgeon General recommends not eating Ws unless you throw for at least 210 yards and throw multiple touchdown passes.  The good news for Bucs fans is that if Jameis does miss Week 3, the team will face the Rams and Saints upon his return, so it may be awhile before he eats another W.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Despite an erratic performance in which he took needless sacks and had several off-target throws, Bucs QB Jameis Winston hastily consumed a W on Thursday night.  That may have been a mistake.  According to team sources, Jameis spent most of the night sweating profusely and huddled around his toilet bowl, and his Week 3 status is now in serious doubt.

The Surgeon General recommends not eating Ws unless you throw for at least 210 yards and throw multiple touchdown passes.  The good news for Bucs fans is that if Jameis does miss Week 3, the team will face the Rams and Saints upon his return, so it may be awhile before he eats another W.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

EMAIL LEAK: Gase Seeks to Postpone Season

In a stunning report Thursday morning it was revealed that Adam Gase is reportedly pushing to postpone the 2019 season until “the Jets have at least a shot of winning 8 games.” Citing that his starting QB was “probably at home in his PJs watching cartoons” and that his starting RB “now says he has a shoulder owie,” Gase reportedly asked if the NFL could call off the season because of “a really bad hurricane or something?”

The NFL is very unlikely to postpone the season until 2022 as requested.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

In a stunning report Thursday morning it was revealed that Adam Gase is reportedly pushing to postpone the 2019 season until “the Jets have at least a shot of winning 8 games.” Citing that his starting QB was “probably at home in his PJs watching cartoons” and that his starting RB “now says he has a shoulder owie,” Gase reportedly asked if the NFL could call off the season because of “a really bad hurricane or something?”

The NFL is very unlikely to postpone the season until 2022 as requested.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Tom From 10-Team Home League Debates Adding John Ross, Elects To Carry 3 Defenses Instead

Despite a terrifyingly thin WR core that suffered injuries to Tyreek Hill and Devin Funchess, Tom Rockwell couldn’t bring himself to cut one of his three defenses to add a pass catcher on a waiver wire loaded with WR options.

Tom will definitely pick the wrong defense to start in Week 2.

Despite a terrifyingly thin WR core that suffered injuries to Tyreek Hill and Devin Funchess, Tom Rockwell couldn’t bring himself to cut one of his three defenses to add a pass catcher on a waiver wire loaded with WR options.

Tom will definitely pick the wrong defense to start in Week 2.

REPORT: Gruden Letting Absolutely Everything Slide Forced AB to Consider Staying

Amid his escalating attempts to get fired from the Raiders, Antonio Brown was forced to seriously consider staying put after discovering John Gruden’s near total leniency for outrageous behavior. “My family–they were laughing at me, like, ‘what’s it gonna take to get you outta there?'” said Brown late Saturday night. “I really called that man a white devil to his face and Coach just said, ‘I hope this all works out.’ I painted my old helmet silver and ran out on the field. I literally did that. He was all, ‘You’re the man, AB!’ For a minute I thought, ‘Shit, maybe this can work. I’m like a deity to this poor man.’ Of course then Mike voided my guarantees.”

Brown may quiet down now that he’s in New England. Tom Brady has reportedly extended Brown the use of his home and hot air balloon landing pad.

Source: FF Podiatrist on Twitter

Amid his escalating attempts to get fired from the Raiders, Antonio Brown was forced to seriously consider staying put after discovering John Gruden’s near total leniency for outrageous behavior. “My family–they were laughing at me, like, ‘what’s it gonna take to get you outta there?'” said Brown late Saturday night. “I really called that man a white devil to his face and Coach just said, ‘I hope this all works out.’ I painted my old helmet silver and ran out on the field. I literally did that. He was all, ‘You’re the man, AB!’ For a minute I thought, ‘Shit, maybe this can work. I’m like a deity to this poor man.’ Of course then Mike voided my guarantees.”

Brown may quiet down now that he’s in New England. Tom Brady has reportedly extended Brown the use of his home and hot air balloon landing pad.

Source: FF Podiatrist on Twitter

Home Depot Shopper Asks Gardner Minshew Where The Plywood Is At

Fresh off his first game of NFL action, Minshew was pulled aside at a local Jacksonville Home Depot and politely asked where the plywood could be found. Minshew was there shopping for light fixtures for his new condo after Sunday’s game and humbly directed the shopper to Aisle 9.

If things don’t work out with the Jaguars, Minshew has a fallback employment option thanks to his encyclopedic knowledge of the Home Depot floor plan.

Fresh off his first game of NFL action, Minshew was pulled aside at a local Jacksonville Home Depot and politely asked where the plywood could be found. Minshew was there shopping for light fixtures for his new condo after Sunday’s game and humbly directed the shopper to Aisle 9.

If things don’t work out with the Jaguars, Minshew has a fallback employment option thanks to his encyclopedic knowledge of the Home Depot floor plan.

Bears Suspend Trubisky for Conduct Detrimental to the Team

Move over Antonio Brown: Bears QB Mitch Trubisky became the latest high profile player to face team discipline on Friday, as GM Ryan Pace announced he faces an indefinite suspension for conduct detrimental to the team.  “This is a tough but necessary step for our organization,” Pace said.  “We feel that Mitch’s passes clearly constituted egregious conduct and were becoming too much of a distraction.”

Wow.  In the short term, this means Chase Daniel takes over as the Bears starting QB, which in turn means huge upgrades for all of the team’s skill position players.  In the long term, the question becomes how much Trubisky’s conduct damages the standing of the franchise; after the game 96 year-old team owner Virgina Halas McCaskey, daughter of Bears legend George Halas, announced that she is now a Vikings fan.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Move over Antonio Brown: Bears QB Mitch Trubisky became the latest high profile player to face team discipline on Friday, as GM Ryan Pace announced he faces an indefinite suspension for conduct detrimental to the team.  “This is a tough but necessary step for our organization,” Pace said.  “We feel that Mitch’s passes clearly constituted egregious conduct and were becoming too much of a distraction.”

Wow.  In the short term, this means Chase Daniel takes over as the Bears starting QB, which in turn means huge upgrades for all of the team’s skill position players.  In the long term, the question becomes how much Trubisky’s conduct damages the standing of the franchise; after the game 96 year-old team owner Virgina Halas McCaskey, daughter of Bears legend George Halas, announced that she is now a Vikings fan.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter