Blurbs by The Skillful Señor Sports

A.J. McCarron Only About 70% Sure He’s Not Josh McCown

Texans quarterback and career backup A.J. McCarron is currently spiraling into a deep existential crisis Thursday after a reporter mistakenly called him Josh McCown. After being referred to as McCown, McCarron froze like a deer in headlights and was unable to speak or move for several minutes. After he regained his senses he seemed deeply disturbed, wondering aloud “How can I be sure I’m not Josh McCown? When I look into the mirror, who is the man looking back at me? Can I ever remember being in the same room as Josh McCown?” Reporters in the scrum were unable to allay his concerns, as most of them could not pick either McCown or McCarron out of a lineup, nor make any meaningful distinction between the two.

McCarron was able to gain some clarity later on in the day when Brent Musberger reached out to assist him. Musberger assured the Texans quarterback that he is in fact A.J. McCarron and that it’s easy to tell because he “has the smoking-hot brunette wife, and McCown’s is a beautiful blonde”

Texans quarterback and career backup A.J. McCarron is currently spiraling into a deep existential crisis Thursday after a reporter mistakenly called him Josh McCown. After being referred to as McCown, McCarron froze like a deer in headlights and was unable to speak or move for several minutes. After he regained his senses he seemed deeply disturbed, wondering aloud “How can I be sure I’m not Josh McCown? When I look into the mirror, who is the man looking back at me? Can I ever remember being in the same room as Josh McCown?” Reporters in the scrum were unable to allay his concerns, as most of them could not pick either McCown or McCarron out of a lineup, nor make any meaningful distinction between the two.

McCarron was able to gain some clarity later on in the day when Brent Musberger reached out to assist him. Musberger assured the Texans quarterback that he is in fact A.J. McCarron and that it’s easy to tell because he “has the smoking-hot brunette wife, and McCown’s is a beautiful blonde”

Austin Hooper Signs With NBA’s Washington Wizards

In an unexpected turn of events Tuesday morning, Austin Hooper has decided to sign a two-year deal with the NBA’s Washington Wizards. The deal is worth a guaranteed $12 million over two seasons, decidedly more than he was scheduled to earn with the Falcons. Said Wizards GM Tommy Shepard, “You always hear about how much success basketball players have at the tight end position in the NFL. I challenge you to watch a full NFL game and not hear about at least one of the tight end’s basketball career. You can’t do it. We figured, why not flip that around and see if it works both ways? Plus, that jersey is gonna sell like hot cakes. A basketball jersey with Hooper on the back? C’mon.”

Hooper finished the 2018 season as a TE1 in all formats, so this is sure to shake up some draft boards. But considering the dearth of talent on the Wizards, Hooper could be in line for solid usage and worth a late-round flyer in your basketball drafts.

In an unexpected turn of events Tuesday morning, Austin Hooper has decided to sign a two-year deal with the NBA’s Washington Wizards. The deal is worth a guaranteed $12 million over two seasons, decidedly more than he was scheduled to earn with the Falcons. Said Wizards GM Tommy Shepard, “You always hear about how much success basketball players have at the tight end position in the NFL. I challenge you to watch a full NFL game and not hear about at least one of the tight end’s basketball career. You can’t do it. We figured, why not flip that around and see if it works both ways? Plus, that jersey is gonna sell like hot cakes. A basketball jersey with Hooper on the back? C’mon.”

Hooper finished the 2018 season as a TE1 in all formats, so this is sure to shake up some draft boards. But considering the dearth of talent on the Wizards, Hooper could be in line for solid usage and worth a late-round flyer in your basketball drafts.

Sean Payton Planning To Use Alvin Kamara Similarly To Past Seasons

When it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That’s what the Saints are thinking these days. Contrary to rampant speculation in the fantasy football community, Alvin Kamara will be used in a very similar role to his past two seasons in New Orleans. Said coach Sean Payton, “People saw Mark [Ingram] go to the Ravens and expect us to change how we use Alvin. But it’s not happening. We like him at running back. He’s been a great running back. We’re going to keep him at running back. Now Taysom Hill on the other hand. I’ve got some ideas for that guy. Linebacker, cornerback, tight end. Nothing is off the table for TayTay.”

This likely puts to bed the conversations surrounding how the Saints plan to use Kamara in 2019. Then again, NFL coaches are notoriously tight-lipped about their plans. Maybe we’ll see Kamara outside of the RB group at some point this season.

When it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That’s what the Saints are thinking these days. Contrary to rampant speculation in the fantasy football community, Alvin Kamara will be used in a very similar role to his past two seasons in New Orleans. Said coach Sean Payton, “People saw Mark [Ingram] go to the Ravens and expect us to change how we use Alvin. But it’s not happening. We like him at running back. He’s been a great running back. We’re going to keep him at running back. Now Taysom Hill on the other hand. I’ve got some ideas for that guy. Linebacker, cornerback, tight end. Nothing is off the table for TayTay.”

This likely puts to bed the conversations surrounding how the Saints plan to use Kamara in 2019. Then again, NFL coaches are notoriously tight-lipped about their plans. Maybe we’ll see Kamara outside of the RB group at some point this season.

NFL Considers Canceling Preseason Due To McCarron Injury

The NFL community was rocked today by absolutely devastating news. QB A.J. McCarron of the Texans is expected to miss several weeks after suffering an injury to the thumb on his throwing hand. Commissioner Goodell and league higher-ups have reportedly been in meetings all day, debating whether or not to cancel the preseason entirely in the wake of this earth-shattering injury. “It’s times like these that I wonder about the necessity of a preseason at all.” said Goodell, “You look at what the NBA is doing with load-management and the like. And then you have a premier talent like A.J. go down in practice and you just shake your head.”

Normally in this space, it’s my job to expound on how the news above might affect the fantasy football season. However, with a topic as grim as this, it’s hard to see McCarron as anything other than my fellow human being. I speak on behalf of RotoBlurb in wishing him the speediest of recoveries. 

The NFL community was rocked today by absolutely devastating news. QB A.J. McCarron of the Texans is expected to miss several weeks after suffering an injury to the thumb on his throwing hand. Commissioner Goodell and league higher-ups have reportedly been in meetings all day, debating whether or not to cancel the preseason entirely in the wake of this earth-shattering injury. “It’s times like these that I wonder about the necessity of a preseason at all.” said Goodell, “You look at what the NBA is doing with load-management and the like. And then you have a premier talent like A.J. go down in practice and you just shake your head.”

Normally in this space, it’s my job to expound on how the news above might affect the fantasy football season. However, with a topic as grim as this, it’s hard to see McCarron as anything other than my fellow human being. I speak on behalf of RotoBlurb in wishing him the speediest of recoveries. 

Coaches And Teammates Skeptical Of Linebacker’s True Identity

Several players and coaches on the Dolphins are starting to believe that fifth-year linebacker Mike Hull is not who he claims to be. A source close to the situation described Hull’s actions at a recent team meeting: “He was introducing himself to some of the new guys and it seemed like he couldn’t remember his name. He was like ‘I’m Michael’ and they were like ‘Michael what?’ and then he got all flustered and went “umm, just Michael. I mean Mike…Hull”

RotoBlurb is committed to the unflinching truth, and consider it our journalistic duty to get to the bottom of this story. We will provide updates as soon as we have further information. Hull’s agent Hugh G. Rection could not be reached for comment.

Several players and coaches on the Dolphins are starting to believe that fifth-year linebacker Mike Hull is not who he claims to be. A source close to the situation described Hull’s actions at a recent team meeting: “He was introducing himself to some of the new guys and it seemed like he couldn’t remember his name. He was like ‘I’m Michael’ and they were like ‘Michael what?’ and then he got all flustered and went “umm, just Michael. I mean Mike…Hull”

RotoBlurb is committed to the unflinching truth, and consider it our journalistic duty to get to the bottom of this story. We will provide updates as soon as we have further information. Hull’s agent Hugh G. Rection could not be reached for comment.

Christian Kirk Packing On Size During Offseason

While many players spend their off-season in the weight room in an effort to add size, Cardinals WR Christian Kirk has gone another route. He’s been packing on height. Kirk reportedly spent 8 hours a day in a NASA-developed anti-gravity chamber during the off-season. The result? Kirk is coming into the 2019 NFL season a full 12 inches taller than last season.

At a whopping 6’11”, Kirk becomes the tallest WR in NFL history. Already a solid speed and possession receiver, this newfound height is sure to make him an elite redzone threat. Kirk could be looking at upwards of 20 TD receptions this season.

While many players spend their off-season in the weight room in an effort to add size, Cardinals WR Christian Kirk has gone another route. He’s been packing on height. Kirk reportedly spent 8 hours a day in a NASA-developed anti-gravity chamber during the off-season. The result? Kirk is coming into the 2019 NFL season a full 12 inches taller than last season.

At a whopping 6’11”, Kirk becomes the tallest WR in NFL history. Already a solid speed and possession receiver, this newfound height is sure to make him an elite redzone threat. Kirk could be looking at upwards of 20 TD receptions this season.

Bruce Allen Struggling With Roster Decisions

Redskins General Manager Bruce Allen is struggling mightily with his roster decisions this season. One decision in particular is really twisting Allen into a knot. Said the GM, “I just can’t decide between strong safety and free safety. On the one hand, this is football, so of course I want a strong safety. I want a guy who’s hitting the weights. He needs to be able to tackle some pretty big boys. On the other hand, teams in the National Football League have to operate within a salary cap. Getting a guy to play safety for free could help us add another impact player down the line.”

If the Redskins can somehow find a safety who is both strong and free, watch out NFL East offenses.

Redskins General Manager Bruce Allen is struggling mightily with his roster decisions this season. One decision in particular is really twisting Allen into a knot. Said the GM, “I just can’t decide between strong safety and free safety. On the one hand, this is football, so of course I want a strong safety. I want a guy who’s hitting the weights. He needs to be able to tackle some pretty big boys. On the other hand, teams in the National Football League have to operate within a salary cap. Getting a guy to play safety for free could help us add another impact player down the line.”

If the Redskins can somehow find a safety who is both strong and free, watch out NFL East offenses.

Mark Andrews “Most Dangerous” Player At Ravens Camp

The Athletic’s Jeff Zrebiec reports second-year TE Mark Andrews has been the Ravens’ “most dangerous…offensive player” at training camp. This report comes on the heels of several days of assaults unleashed by Andrews. Teammates are reportedly living in fear at training camp, never knowing what horrors the tight end has in store for them. “Yesterday he threw a whole cooked ham at me in the shower. It hurt like hell, and it was nasty too. Then he called me a bunch of names and ran off” said teammate Gus Edwards “he told me tomorrow he was gonna ‘bescumber’ me. I didn’t even know what that meant so I looked it up. It’s an old-timey word meaning ‘to spray poo upon’. I can’t show up for practice now. He’ll really do it. He’s a madman!”

Andrews is primed for a big year according to sources around the Ravens, but that’s provided he can stay on the field. Keep alert for potential suspensions. I can’t imagine Commissioner Goodell will react kindly to teammate on teammate bescumberment.

The Athletic’s Jeff Zrebiec reports second-year TE Mark Andrews has been the Ravens’ “most dangerous…offensive player” at training camp. This report comes on the heels of several days of assaults unleashed by Andrews. Teammates are reportedly living in fear at training camp, never knowing what horrors the tight end has in store for them. “Yesterday he threw a whole cooked ham at me in the shower. It hurt like hell, and it was nasty too. Then he called me a bunch of names and ran off” said teammate Gus Edwards “he told me tomorrow he was gonna ‘bescumber’ me. I didn’t even know what that meant so I looked it up. It’s an old-timey word meaning ‘to spray poo upon’. I can’t show up for practice now. He’ll really do it. He’s a madman!”

Andrews is primed for a big year according to sources around the Ravens, but that’s provided he can stay on the field. Keep alert for potential suspensions. I can’t imagine Commissioner Goodell will react kindly to teammate on teammate bescumberment.

Logan Woodside Expected To Be “The Bachelor” Within Two Years

Logan Woodside, third-string QB for the Bengals, is executing a near-flawless approach to a career within ABC’s Bachelor universe. Reality TV analysts have remarked that his cool name, handsome but not particularly memorable face, and Caucasian ethnicity will pair wonderfully with an unremarkable pro football career. Logan was unavailable for comment but a Bachelor/Bachelorette fan named Alex said “He’s perfect for it. It will be like, really cool to the Bachelorette that he played pro football. But also since he’s never actually played in a game and no one knows who he is, she still gets to be the star of her season. Then he just has to make it to hometowns and he’ll either get to be The Bachelor or he’ll be on The Bachelor in Paradise for as long as he feels like it.”

Many are bullish on Logan’s promise as a contestant on The Bachelorette. Zero passes thrown for two NFL teams in two years is certainly a great start, but we think he’d be best served by at least one injury to play up the sympathy aspect as well. 

Logan Woodside, third-string QB for the Bengals, is executing a near-flawless approach to a career within ABC’s Bachelor universe. Reality TV analysts have remarked that his cool name, handsome but not particularly memorable face, and Caucasian ethnicity will pair wonderfully with an unremarkable pro football career. Logan was unavailable for comment but a Bachelor/Bachelorette fan named Alex said “He’s perfect for it. It will be like, really cool to the Bachelorette that he played pro football. But also since he’s never actually played in a game and no one knows who he is, she still gets to be the star of her season. Then he just has to make it to hometowns and he’ll either get to be The Bachelor or he’ll be on The Bachelor in Paradise for as long as he feels like it.”

Many are bullish on Logan’s promise as a contestant on The Bachelorette. Zero passes thrown for two NFL teams in two years is certainly a great start, but we think he’d be best served by at least one injury to play up the sympathy aspect as well. 

Andrew Luck Says Strained Calf Not A Threat To Achilles

In an interview with ESPN radio this morning, Andrew Luck acknowledged that he is dealing with a strained calf, but is adamant that it poses no threat to his Achilles. “Yeah, I’ve got a strained calf. She’s stressed out. She’s tired. I mean, she’s basically a baby. Think about how much babies cry. My baby just happens to be a cow living on a farm, but of course she’s strained. Farm life is hard.” When pressed about how his strained calf could affect his Achilles, Luck seemed further perplexed, “My statue? The 10-foot marble statue of Achilles on my farm? How would she hurt that? I don’t think she weighs enough to even budge it. She’s definitely not knocking it over, especially not with how strained she is.”

This is great news for both Luck owners and Greek statuary enthusiasts. 

In an interview with ESPN radio this morning, Andrew Luck acknowledged that he is dealing with a strained calf, but is adamant that it poses no threat to his Achilles. “Yeah, I’ve got a strained calf. She’s stressed out. She’s tired. I mean, she’s basically a baby. Think about how much babies cry. My baby just happens to be a cow living on a farm, but of course she’s strained. Farm life is hard.” When pressed about how his strained calf could affect his Achilles, Luck seemed further perplexed, “My statue? The 10-foot marble statue of Achilles on my farm? How would she hurt that? I don’t think she weighs enough to even budge it. She’s definitely not knocking it over, especially not with how strained she is.”

This is great news for both Luck owners and Greek statuary enthusiasts.