Blurbs by RotoScientist

Young, Fast Justice Hill Seen as Perfect Change of Pace for Old, Slow Mark Ingram

Ravens brass confirmed on Thursday that they like the element Justice Hill adds to the offense. “He just brings this certain something,” Harbaugh told reporters. “Call it whatever you want, juice, wiggle, burst, dynamism, shiftiness, patience, explosion, agility, vision, long speed, short speed, quick feet, elusiveness, balance, electricity, again ya know, however you want to define it, that we’re not really seeing from Mark [Ingram] right now.”

While it’s great to hear that Hill looks good, we still think Ingram is a better fit for the Ravens ball control rushing offense. Last year Ingram ate up an elite 6 seconds of clock per rushing yard, 3rd among all NFL RBs behind on Peyton Barber and Jordan Howard.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Ravens brass confirmed on Thursday that they like the element Justice Hill adds to the offense. “He just brings this certain something,” Harbaugh told reporters. “Call it whatever you want, juice, wiggle, burst, dynamism, shiftiness, patience, explosion, agility, vision, long speed, short speed, quick feet, elusiveness, balance, electricity, again ya know, however you want to define it, that we’re not really seeing from Mark [Ingram] right now.”

While it’s great to hear that Hill looks good, we still think Ingram is a better fit for the Ravens ball control rushing offense. Last year Ingram ate up an elite 6 seconds of clock per rushing yard, 3rd among all NFL RBs behind on Peyton Barber and Jordan Howard.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Carlos Hyde in Jeopardy!

Multiple reports now confirm that Carlos Hyde, RB for the KC Chiefs, is in fact in Jeopardy! Hyde confirmed the reports Wednesday morning to reporters. “I’m excited man. I’ve always been a big fan and Alex Trebek is a legend. I’ve got a lot of studying to do though, so don’t call me “Jeopardy Carlos” just yet! [laughter] But seriously, it’s an amazing opportunity and a real honor, and it honestly couldn’t come at a better time, because I’m a stone cold lock to be cut by the Chiefs.”

While we’re excited for Hyde to be appearing on the iconic game show. We’re a bit skeptical of his chances. He has reportedly been slow to hit the buzzer and was seen fumbling through his responses in Pre-Season Jeopardy. 

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Multiple reports now confirm that Carlos Hyde, RB for the KC Chiefs, is in fact in Jeopardy! Hyde confirmed the reports Wednesday morning to reporters. “I’m excited man. I’ve always been a big fan and Alex Trebek is a legend. I’ve got a lot of studying to do though, so don’t call me “Jeopardy Carlos” just yet! [laughter] But seriously, it’s an amazing opportunity and a real honor, and it honestly couldn’t come at a better time, because I’m a stone cold lock to be cut by the Chiefs.”

While we’re excited for Hyde to be appearing on the iconic game show. We’re a bit skeptical of his chances. He has reportedly been slow to hit the buzzer and was seen fumbling through his responses in Pre-Season Jeopardy. 

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Kenyan Drake Found in Boot after Practice

Kenyan Drake, after having been missing from Dolphins camp for days, was discovered in the trunk of Kalen Ballage’s car. Luckily he is in good condition after being found and rescued by George Bailey, a London based reporter covering the Dolphins as part of the Sun / Sun-Sentinel foreign exchange program. Said Bailey upon finding Drake.  “Oi! The bugger’s got ‘im in ‘is bloody boot!”

We’ve always worried that Drake lacked the physicality to be a workhorse NFL RB. And not being able to fight off Ballage as he tied him up and stored him in the trunk of his vehicle for days is, sadly, just one more strike against him.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Kenyan Drake, after having been missing from Dolphins camp for days, was discovered in the trunk of Kalen Ballage’s car. Luckily he is in good condition after being found and rescued by George Bailey, a London based reporter covering the Dolphins as part of the Sun / Sun-Sentinel foreign exchange program. Said Bailey upon finding Drake.  “Oi! The bugger’s got ‘im in ‘is bloody boot!”

We’ve always worried that Drake lacked the physicality to be a workhorse NFL RB. And not being able to fight off Ballage as he tied him up and stored him in the trunk of his vehicle for days is, sadly, just one more strike against him.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Ezekiel Elliott Reports Dropping Weight Up to 3, Sometimes 4 Times Per Day

“Yea man, I think it’s something to do with the Serano Peppers I’ve been putting in my breakfast smoothies. They just keep me full or something. Or it could be the habenero margaritas down here. They’re really strong so I only drink a couple. Or maybe it’s the chile sauce that… [throat clear]… could you excuse me for a minute?”

We love to see RBs lose weight, as it worked out pretty ok one time and it really stuck in our minds. So while it’s nice to see that Elliott is a shredded 212 lbs, it’s a little disconcerting that he weighed 220 when we began working on this blurb.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

“Yea man, I think it’s something to do with the Serano Peppers I’ve been putting in my breakfast smoothies. They just keep me full or something. Or it could be the habenero margaritas down here. They’re really strong so I only drink a couple. Or maybe it’s the chile sauce that… [throat clear]… could you excuse me for a minute?”

We love to see RBs lose weight, as it worked out pretty ok one time and it really stuck in our minds. So while it’s nice to see that Elliott is a shredded 212 lbs, it’s a little disconcerting that he weighed 220 when we began working on this blurb.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Dynasty Leaguemate Wants to Trade You His Great Player for Your Bad Player

When reached for comment Dynasty Leaguemate said, “The thing about my player is… oh man he’s so good… is that I already have a guy just like him. But on your team? Wow. I mean, you’ll probably win it all. I must be crazy to even do this trade! And all I want in return is this player from you who’s really bad, I mean terrible honestlyOh man, did you not know he was bad! Wow dude, where have you been? He’s awful now. I don’t even know why I want him tbh. Final offer bro. All in. Take it or leave it.”

Wow, what a great offer. We had no idea how bad Curtis Samuel was. Thank goodness we have Adrian Peterson now instead. 

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

When reached for comment Dynasty Leaguemate said, “The thing about my player is… oh man he’s so good… is that I already have a guy just like him. But on your team? Wow. I mean, you’ll probably win it all. I must be crazy to even do this trade! And all I want in return is this player from you who’s really bad, I mean terrible honestlyOh man, did you not know he was bad! Wow dude, where have you been? He’s awful now. I don’t even know why I want him tbh. Final offer bro. All in. Take it or leave it.”

Wow, what a great offer. We had no idea how bad Curtis Samuel was. Thank goodness we have Adrian Peterson now instead. 

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Jim Irsay Reports Andrew Luck Dealing with “Teeny Tiny, Eensy Weensy” Broken Leg

On SiriusXMNFL Tuesday morning, Colts owner Jim Irsay revealed that Luck’s troublesome calf issue is actually bone related. When asked if he meant that Luck was dealing with a bone fracture, Irsay responded “Oh no. No this is much smaller than that. This is just a little wittle itty bitty baby bone issue. Honestly it’s adorable. Sure, it might tank our entire season, but I still just want to pinch its bony little bones.”

It’s definitely a relief to hear that this is just a small bone issue. Luck should be in top form in 2020 after his year off in 2019.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

On SiriusXMNFL Tuesday morning, Colts owner Jim Irsay revealed that Luck’s troublesome calf issue is actually bone related. When asked if he meant that Luck was dealing with a bone fracture, Irsay responded “Oh no. No this is much smaller than that. This is just a little wittle itty bitty baby bone issue. Honestly it’s adorable. Sure, it might tank our entire season, but I still just want to pinch its bony little bones.”

It’s definitely a relief to hear that this is just a small bone issue. Luck should be in top form in 2020 after his year off in 2019.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Duke Johnson has Mixed Feelings about Houston Trade

“Look man, it’s always tough leaving behind unfinished business.” Johnson said when reached for comment on Thursday. “I felt like I started something great here, and honestly I would have liked to see it through.”

Tough break for Duke here. As was widely reported, he spent the off-season building an elaborate escape tunnel behind a pinup in his locker. The tunnel, which was near completion, reportedly meanders through meadow in Maine, then through a quiet beach town in Mexico, before finally ending Houston. Ultimately Johnson still ends up where he always intended. No word yet if he’ll crawl through a river of shit or use the ticket the Brown have provided on Spirit Air.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

“Look man, it’s always tough leaving behind unfinished business.” Johnson said when reached for comment on Thursday. “I felt like I started something great here, and honestly I would have liked to see it through.”

Tough break for Duke here. As was widely reported, he spent the off-season building an elaborate escape tunnel behind a pinup in his locker. The tunnel, which was near completion, reportedly meanders through meadow in Maine, then through a quiet beach town in Mexico, before finally ending Houston. Ultimately Johnson still ends up where he always intended. No word yet if he’ll crawl through a river of shit or use the ticket the Brown have provided on Spirit Air.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Aaron Rodgers Catches Teammates with Rookie Year Media Guide

Rodgers opened up on Thursday about the growing disconnect between him and his young WRs. “Listen, I remember what it was like being a young player in this league and to be constantly learning,” Rodgers said on WNFL Radio. “But to not even know who Smashmouth is? Hard to imagine.”

Aaron is clearly a bit shaken that his rookie year soul patch is back in the news. Rodgers can put all talk of a re-occurrence of soul patch behind him if he can stay on the field for the full season in 2019. However, the RotoScientist projection model projects him as the 2nd highest soul patch risk behind only Ben Roethlisberger.

Rodgers opened up on Thursday about the growing disconnect between him and his young WRs. “Listen, I remember what it was like being a young player in this league and to be constantly learning,” Rodgers said on WNFL Radio. “But to not even know who Smashmouth is? Hard to imagine.”

Aaron is clearly a bit shaken that his rookie year soul patch is back in the news. Rodgers can put all talk of a re-occurrence of soul patch behind him if he can stay on the field for the full season in 2019. However, the RotoScientist projection model projects him as the 2nd highest soul patch risk behind only Ben Roethlisberger.

Amazon Prime to Launch Series Starring Ronald Ollie

Amazon Prime’s development team indicated that they were excited to team up with the charismatic young Ollie who has shown an incredible ability to capture the hearts of viewers while doing “literally the bare minimum.”

The new Amazon Original Series will reportedly follow Ollie as he attempts and then quickly gives up on various endeavors. It’s almost impossible to imagine any of this having a fantasy impact, but we’ll be sure to let you know about it anyway.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Amazon Prime’s development team indicated that they were excited to team up with the charismatic young Ollie who has shown an incredible ability to capture the hearts of viewers while doing “literally the bare minimum.”

The new Amazon Original Series will reportedly follow Ollie as he attempts and then quickly gives up on various endeavors. It’s almost impossible to imagine any of this having a fantasy impact, but we’ll be sure to let you know about it anyway.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Defensive Player Injured in Practice

A defensive player that you remember hearing about before… although can’t quite remember what position he plays… was injured today. You actually already know this. Or would, except that as soon as you realized the devastating injury news was just about some defensive player with no fantasy impact, you clicked to a new browser tab and began chuckling at humorous gifs.  You haven’t thought about it since.

Wow, what a brutal injury. We’d give you a prognosis on this horrific life changing event, but who are we kidding? You stopped reading this almost immediately. 

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

A defensive player that you remember hearing about before… although can’t quite remember what position he plays… was injured today. You actually already know this. Or would, except that as soon as you realized the devastating injury news was just about some defensive player with no fantasy impact, you clicked to a new browser tab and began chuckling at humorous gifs.  You haven’t thought about it since.

Wow, what a brutal injury. We’d give you a prognosis on this horrific life changing event, but who are we kidding? You stopped reading this almost immediately. 

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter