Blurbs by RotoScientist

Carroll Expecting Return to Form Against 49ers

“Anytime you get into a shootout situation, you know something’s gone wrong,” Pete Carroll told reporters on Tuesday. “Thank goodness we won by a single score at least. But just watching Russ pass for all those TDs [shudder], you really hate to see it. This week though I think we’re in a great position to score no more than 14 points and lose a close one. It’ll be pure Seahawks football on Monday Night.”

FML

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

“Anytime you get into a shootout situation, you know something’s gone wrong,” Pete Carroll told reporters on Tuesday. “Thank goodness we won by a single score at least. But just watching Russ pass for all those TDs [shudder], you really hate to see it. This week though I think we’re in a great position to score no more than 14 points and lose a close one. It’ll be pure Seahawks football on Monday Night.”

FML

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Saquon Setback: Fracture Detected in Adamantium Fibula

The Giants medical staff was shocked to discover on Tuesday what they believe to be a spiral fracture in Barkley’s adamantium coated fibula. The adamantium, heretofore believed to be an indestructible and immortal metal coating to Barkely’s skeleton, was reportedly shattered when Barkley flexed his calf a little to hard.

Barkley will now need to be cut open from head to toe and have molten mythical metal re-fused to his bones. Following the surgery, it’s likely that he misses at least the first series of Thursday’s game.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

The Giants medical staff was shocked to discover on Tuesday what they believe to be a spiral fracture in Barkley’s adamantium coated fibula. The adamantium, heretofore believed to be an indestructible and immortal metal coating to Barkely’s skeleton, was reportedly shattered when Barkley flexed his calf a little to hard.

Barkley will now need to be cut open from head to toe and have molten mythical metal re-fused to his bones. Following the surgery, it’s likely that he misses at least the first series of Thursday’s game.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Tout Savagely Eviscerates Take; Later Learns It Was His Own Take

Joe Rodgers, an analyst for RotoFFBall.com, went on a twitter tirade Wednesday morning, questioning the human worth of anyone who thinks Alvin Kamara is simply a product of Drew Brees’ offense. It was later revealed that Rodgers was unknowingly responding to a quote RT of his November 27th, 2017 gem: “Imagine believing Alvin Kamara could put put up 188 and 2 on any other offense in the league lol smh.”

You hate to see it.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Joe Rodgers, an analyst for RotoFFBall.com, went on a twitter tirade Wednesday morning, questioning the human worth of anyone who thinks Alvin Kamara is simply a product of Drew Brees’ offense. It was later revealed that Rodgers was unknowingly responding to a quote RT of his November 27th, 2017 gem: “Imagine believing Alvin Kamara could put put up 188 and 2 on any other offense in the league lol smh.”

You hate to see it.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Old Woman of the Woods Thinks Cam Newton Could Have Played Better

With Cam Newton presumably icing down his shoulder, an old woman left her thatch roofed hut to speak to the media on Thursday night.

We may have over-drafted Curtis Samuel.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

With Cam Newton presumably icing down his shoulder, an old woman left her thatch roofed hut to speak to the media on Thursday night.

We may have over-drafted Curtis Samuel.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

EMAIL LEAK: Gase Seeks to Postpone Season

In a stunning report Thursday morning it was revealed that Adam Gase is reportedly pushing to postpone the 2019 season until “the Jets have at least a shot of winning 8 games.” Citing that his starting QB was “probably at home in his PJs watching cartoons” and that his starting RB “now says he has a shoulder owie,” Gase reportedly asked if the NFL could call off the season because of “a really bad hurricane or something?”

The NFL is very unlikely to postpone the season until 2022 as requested.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

In a stunning report Thursday morning it was revealed that Adam Gase is reportedly pushing to postpone the 2019 season until “the Jets have at least a shot of winning 8 games.” Citing that his starting QB was “probably at home in his PJs watching cartoons” and that his starting RB “now says he has a shoulder owie,” Gase reportedly asked if the NFL could call off the season because of “a really bad hurricane or something?”

The NFL is very unlikely to postpone the season until 2022 as requested.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Jerrry Jones Agrees to New Terms with Zeke

Speaking to the groundbreaking nature of Ezekiel Elliott’s deal, included in the contract are new terms that Elliott and Jones must use when addressing each other. When Jerry Jones sees Elliott, he must don an exaggerated french accent and call him “Ze’ Goat” while pretending to twirl his thin mustache. Jones has reportedly already begun growing a really gross little ‘stache. Elliott can refer to Jones however he wants.

Great deal for the Cowboys here as Zeke is truly a difference maker at RB, not like that bum Melvin Gordon. Hey Melvin, why don’t ya show up already? Huh? Selfish.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Speaking to the groundbreaking nature of Ezekiel Elliott’s deal, included in the contract are new terms that Elliott and Jones must use when addressing each other. When Jerry Jones sees Elliott, he must don an exaggerated french accent and call him “Ze’ Goat” while pretending to twirl his thin mustache. Jones has reportedly already begun growing a really gross little ‘stache. Elliott can refer to Jones however he wants.

Great deal for the Cowboys here as Zeke is truly a difference maker at RB, not like that bum Melvin Gordon. Hey Melvin, why don’t ya show up already? Huh? Selfish.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Man Bombs at Dinner Party; Can’t Stop Talking about Tony Pollard’s ADP

Brian DeAngelo found himself in hot water on Thursday night when he spent his wife’s dinner party continually fixating on Tony Pollard’s ADP. The evening started out congenially enough, with Brian mentioning Jerry Jones’ ill received comments on Zeke Elliott’s hold out. This transitioned fairly smoothly to politics. However, the conversation then stalled briefly when Brian interjected that Tony Pollard’s receiving chops might actually be a better fit for Kellen Moore’s offense. This drew uneasy glances from un-engaged couple of 4 years Amanda Karp and Chris Shires.

Things got back on track when the topic turned to the pop culture. Though Brian was noticeably silent during this stanza, and even appeared to mouth “who?” during a discourse on Marie Kondo’s outlook and methods. He soon perked up again when the discussion turned to the economy, but his attempt to shoehorn in a dialogue about the shifting economics for RBs under the current CBA was quickly rebuffed. He spent the next 8 minutes sulkily checking twitter and pretending to enjoy his green beans. Finally things came to a head when Brian simply cut off Renée Kimes halfway through her explanation of how she keeps her gluten free banana bread so moist, with “Would you take Tony Pollard in the 5th round or not?!”

Tony Pollard in the 5th seems a little early, but we like him in the mid 6th once the high end WRs are gone.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Brian DeAngelo found himself in hot water on Thursday night when he spent his wife’s dinner party continually fixating on Tony Pollard’s ADP. The evening started out congenially enough, with Brian mentioning Jerry Jones’ ill received comments on Zeke Elliott’s hold out. This transitioned fairly smoothly to politics. However, the conversation then stalled briefly when Brian interjected that Tony Pollard’s receiving chops might actually be a better fit for Kellen Moore’s offense. This drew uneasy glances from un-engaged couple of 4 years Amanda Karp and Chris Shires.

Things got back on track when the topic turned to the pop culture. Though Brian was noticeably silent during this stanza, and even appeared to mouth “who?” during a discourse on Marie Kondo’s outlook and methods. He soon perked up again when the discussion turned to the economy, but his attempt to shoehorn in a dialogue about the shifting economics for RBs under the current CBA was quickly rebuffed. He spent the next 8 minutes sulkily checking twitter and pretending to enjoy his green beans. Finally things came to a head when Brian simply cut off Renée Kimes halfway through her explanation of how she keeps her gluten free banana bread so moist, with “Would you take Tony Pollard in the 5th round or not?!”

Tony Pollard in the 5th seems a little early, but we like him in the mid 6th once the high end WRs are gone.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Paul Brickowski Struggles to Explain Watching Patriots Preseason Replay

It was a tough look for “die hard” Patriots fan and Quincy native Paul Brickowski this afternoon when his wife walked in on him watching the Panther vs. Patriots Preseason Week 3 replay this afternoon. “What? Noooo, why would I watch that, babe? That’s from Saturday! I must have been watching NFL Total Access and dozed off. I mean, sure, maybe I left it on to check out a few of TB12’s snaps, but then I must have dozed off again. I wouldn’t watch the whole thing – I wouldn’t do that! You’ve got to believe me!”

Despite Paul’s claims to the contrary, he was seen leaning forward in his chair and whispering “come on!” under his breath at several points during the 3rd quarter. And as everyone knows, NFL Total Access doesn’t air until 6 PM EST.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

It was a tough look for “die hard” Patriots fan and Quincy native Paul Brickowski this afternoon when his wife walked in on him watching the Panther vs. Patriots Preseason Week 3 replay this afternoon. “What? Noooo, why would I watch that, babe? That’s from Saturday! I must have been watching NFL Total Access and dozed off. I mean, sure, maybe I left it on to check out a few of TB12’s snaps, but then I must have dozed off again. I wouldn’t watch the whole thing – I wouldn’t do that! You’ve got to believe me!”

Despite Paul’s claims to the contrary, he was seen leaning forward in his chair and whispering “come on!” under his breath at several points during the 3rd quarter. And as everyone knows, NFL Total Access doesn’t air until 6 PM EST.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Jon Gruden Unable to Get to 53

With the NFL’s final roster cut down date of August 31 fast approaching, Raiders Head Coach John Gruden is struggling to reach 53.

“I keep trying man. I’m goin’ forwards and backwards here but it can’t be done. “100, 97, 94, 91, 88, 85, 82, 79, 76, 73, 70, 67, 64, 61, 58, 55, 52. Damn, man! Went right past it again! Why don’t they change the dang number to somethin’ I can count to? They’re changin’ every other dang thing around here.”

We don’t envy Gruden here. Roster cut downs are hard enough even if you’re not a total weirdo.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

With the NFL’s final roster cut down date of August 31 fast approaching, Raiders Head Coach John Gruden is struggling to reach 53.

“I keep trying man. I’m goin’ forwards and backwards here but it can’t be done. “100, 97, 94, 91, 88, 85, 82, 79, 76, 73, 70, 67, 64, 61, 58, 55, 52. Damn, man! Went right past it again! Why don’t they change the dang number to somethin’ I can count to? They’re changin’ every other dang thing around here.”

We don’t envy Gruden here. Roster cut downs are hard enough even if you’re not a total weirdo.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Aaron Rodgers Officiates Canadian Wedding

As the Packers boarded a plane home to Green Bay following their 21-22 Preseason loss to the Oakland Raiders, their star QB stayed behind in Winnipeg. Though the reason for this was initially unclear, viral IG posts soon revealed that Rodgers had stayed behind to officiate a local couple’s wedding. When asked for comment Rodgers played coy, with a knowing smile he replied “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ aboot.”

Field conditions prevented Rodgers from playing in the actual game, so it was great to see Rodgers perform flawlessly in a pressure situation on Friday. His delivery is as sharp as ever. Best wishes to the happy couple, Norm and Celine.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

As the Packers boarded a plane home to Green Bay following their 21-22 Preseason loss to the Oakland Raiders, their star QB stayed behind in Winnipeg. Though the reason for this was initially unclear, viral IG posts soon revealed that Rodgers had stayed behind to officiate a local couple’s wedding. When asked for comment Rodgers played coy, with a knowing smile he replied “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ aboot.”

Field conditions prevented Rodgers from playing in the actual game, so it was great to see Rodgers perform flawlessly in a pressure situation on Friday. His delivery is as sharp as ever. Best wishes to the happy couple, Norm and Celine.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter