Blurbs by RotoBroski

Titans Assistant Coaches Penalized For Holding

Titans Head Coach Mike Vrabel announced on Friday that assistant coaches Keith Carter, Rob Moore, and Matt Pees have been penalized for flagrant holding in the team’s Week 3 game against the Jaguars.  The three assistants worked tirelessly to hold Vrabel back on the sideline as he attempted to mercilessly beat the ever-loving shit out of the game’s referees over several questionable penalty calls.

Vrabel said that the penalty for his assistants will be watching the game tape of the Jaguars Titans game on a 24-hour loop. 

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Titans Head Coach Mike Vrabel announced on Friday that assistant coaches Keith Carter, Rob Moore, and Matt Pees have been penalized for flagrant holding in the team’s Week 3 game against the Jaguars.  The three assistants worked tirelessly to hold Vrabel back on the sideline as he attempted to mercilessly beat the ever-loving shit out of the game’s referees over several questionable penalty calls.

Vrabel said that the penalty for his assistants will be watching the game tape of the Jaguars Titans game on a 24-hour loop. 

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Not So Fast? Mara Not Ready to Name Giants’ Starter

Some game-changing yet unsurprising news came down Tuesday morning, as the Giants finally appeared to be ready to bench Eli Manning in favor of rookie Daniel Jones.  But team owner John Mara poured some cold water on the story at a Tuesday press conference. That water came in the form of Mara’s cascading tears as he choked back violent sobs at the contemplation of Eli’s career being over.  It’s clear that the team is, in fact, moving to the Jones era, but Mara was physically unable to bring himself to say Jones’ name without collapsing into a blubbering mess.

Assuming this is the end of Eli’s career, he finishes with a 116-116 record in 16 seasons and two Super Bowl wins that he absolutely pulled out of his ass.  Prove to us that he’s not a witch.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Some game-changing yet unsurprising news came down Tuesday morning, as the Giants finally appeared to be ready to bench Eli Manning in favor of rookie Daniel Jones.  But team owner John Mara poured some cold water on the story at a Tuesday press conference. That water came in the form of Mara’s cascading tears as he choked back violent sobs at the contemplation of Eli’s career being over.  It’s clear that the team is, in fact, moving to the Jones era, but Mara was physically unable to bring himself to say Jones’ name without collapsing into a blubbering mess.

Assuming this is the end of Eli’s career, he finishes with a 116-116 record in 16 seasons and two Super Bowl wins that he absolutely pulled out of his ass.  Prove to us that he’s not a witch.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Gregg Williams Seen Ominously Writing “OBJ” in Mysterious Black Notebook

After a testy week in which Jets DC Gregg Williams publicly questioned the talent of Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr., it was Beckham who got the last laugh on the field, humiliating Williams’ defense with 161 receiving yards and a career-long 89 yard touchdown.  But that may not be the end of this story.  After the game, and in full view of the assembled press, a quietly seething Williams wrote the letters “OBJ” in a tiny and mysterious black notebook that he seemed to produce out of thin air.  Jets beat reporter Rich Cimini said he couldn’t confirm, but that Williams appeared to scrawl the letters in his own blood.

Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  What does this mean??  No one seems to know exactly, but it CAN’T be good.  The Jets don’t even play the Browns again this year!  What could Williams be up to?  OBJ owners may want to sell in case the star WR has an unfortunate “accident.”

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

After a testy week in which Jets DC Gregg Williams publicly questioned the talent of Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr., it was Beckham who got the last laugh on the field, humiliating Williams’ defense with 161 receiving yards and a career-long 89 yard touchdown.  But that may not be the end of this story.  After the game, and in full view of the assembled press, a quietly seething Williams wrote the letters “OBJ” in a tiny and mysterious black notebook that he seemed to produce out of thin air.  Jets beat reporter Rich Cimini said he couldn’t confirm, but that Williams appeared to scrawl the letters in his own blood.

Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  What does this mean??  No one seems to know exactly, but it CAN’T be good.  The Jets don’t even play the Browns again this year!  What could Williams be up to?  OBJ owners may want to sell in case the star WR has an unfortunate “accident.”

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Global Dolphin Population Files Class Action Lawsuit for Defamation

Scientists around the world expressed shock and amazement on Monday morning, as the world population of approximately 600,000 bottlenose dolphins filed a class-action lawsuit against the Miami Dolphins football team for defamation.  “The Miami football organization has caused irreparable harm to our image, making us appear feeble, weak, an incapable of completing simple screens and slant patterns,” bottlenose dolphin leadership said, according to a translated statement.

Though bottlenose dolphins have long been known to be extremely smart and exhibit many complex behaviors, they were not previously known to be capable of being this litigious. Look for more coverage of this lawsuit in the Hard Knocks/Planet Earth crossover event coming to HBO and BBC in 2020.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Scientists around the world expressed shock and amazement on Monday morning, as the world population of approximately 600,000 bottlenose dolphins filed a class-action lawsuit against the Miami Dolphins football team for defamation.  “The Miami football organization has caused irreparable harm to our image, making us appear feeble, weak, an incapable of completing simple screens and slant patterns,” bottlenose dolphin leadership said, according to a translated statement.

Though bottlenose dolphins have long been known to be extremely smart and exhibit many complex behaviors, they were not previously known to be capable of being this litigious. Look for more coverage of this lawsuit in the Hard Knocks/Planet Earth crossover event coming to HBO and BBC in 2020.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Eddy Pineiro Inks 10 year, $250 Million Contract Extension

On the heels of the Bears kicker nailing a 53-yard game winner on Sunday, the team announced a mega extension for Eddy Pineiro.  The contract, which fully guarantees Pineiro a quarter of a billion dollars, makes him the highest paid athlete in the world.  “People may be surprised at the topline figures, but to be honest I think Eddy is still a little underpaid,” said Bears coach Matt Nagy, who, in an unprecedented move, took out a second mortgage on his home to help the team facilitate the deal.

Pineiro told reporters that he is thrilled with the money, but added that Nagy legally changing all four of his sons’ names to “Eddy” was a bit much.  We’ll see how this dynamic affects the team going forward.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

On the heels of the Bears kicker nailing a 53-yard game winner on Sunday, the team announced a mega extension for Eddy Pineiro.  The contract, which fully guarantees Pineiro a quarter of a billion dollars, makes him the highest paid athlete in the world.  “People may be surprised at the topline figures, but to be honest I think Eddy is still a little underpaid,” said Bears coach Matt Nagy, who, in an unprecedented move, took out a second mortgage on his home to help the team facilitate the deal.

Pineiro told reporters that he is thrilled with the money, but added that Nagy legally changing all four of his sons’ names to “Eddy” was a bit much.  We’ll see how this dynamic affects the team going forward.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Kirk Cousins: “I Just Need Five, Six More Years to Gel with This Offense”

After a terrible performance against the Packers yesterday, in which the Vikings QB completed just 43.8 percent of his passes and threw a backbreaking interception in the end zone, Kirk Cousins cited a lack of familiarity with his offensive personnel and coaching staff as the primary cause of his struggles.  “If you think about it, I only signed with this team 18 months ago. I’m still getting to know everyone.  And that’s been a slow process because I’ve tried to hang out with guys and bond with them off the field, but weirdly Stefon Diggs has had dinner plans he can’t get out of every day for the last year and a half.”

Cousins added that if he can just get one or two more extremely high-value and fully guaranteed contracts, then this offense could really start to click.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

After a terrible performance against the Packers yesterday, in which the Vikings QB completed just 43.8 percent of his passes and threw a backbreaking interception in the end zone, Kirk Cousins cited a lack of familiarity with his offensive personnel and coaching staff as the primary cause of his struggles.  “If you think about it, I only signed with this team 18 months ago. I’m still getting to know everyone.  And that’s been a slow process because I’ve tried to hang out with guys and bond with them off the field, but weirdly Stefon Diggs has had dinner plans he can’t get out of every day for the last year and a half.”

Cousins added that if he can just get one or two more extremely high-value and fully guaranteed contracts, then this offense could really start to click.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Jameis Contracts Salmonella After Eating Undercooked W

Despite an erratic performance in which he took needless sacks and had several off-target throws, Bucs QB Jameis Winston hastily consumed a W on Thursday night.  That may have been a mistake.  According to team sources, Jameis spent most of the night sweating profusely and huddled around his toilet bowl, and his Week 3 status is now in serious doubt.

The Surgeon General recommends not eating Ws unless you throw for at least 210 yards and throw multiple touchdown passes.  The good news for Bucs fans is that if Jameis does miss Week 3, the team will face the Rams and Saints upon his return, so it may be awhile before he eats another W.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Despite an erratic performance in which he took needless sacks and had several off-target throws, Bucs QB Jameis Winston hastily consumed a W on Thursday night.  That may have been a mistake.  According to team sources, Jameis spent most of the night sweating profusely and huddled around his toilet bowl, and his Week 3 status is now in serious doubt.

The Surgeon General recommends not eating Ws unless you throw for at least 210 yards and throw multiple touchdown passes.  The good news for Bucs fans is that if Jameis does miss Week 3, the team will face the Rams and Saints upon his return, so it may be awhile before he eats another W.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Bears Suspend Trubisky for Conduct Detrimental to the Team

Move over Antonio Brown: Bears QB Mitch Trubisky became the latest high profile player to face team discipline on Friday, as GM Ryan Pace announced he faces an indefinite suspension for conduct detrimental to the team.  “This is a tough but necessary step for our organization,” Pace said.  “We feel that Mitch’s passes clearly constituted egregious conduct and were becoming too much of a distraction.”

Wow.  In the short term, this means Chase Daniel takes over as the Bears starting QB, which in turn means huge upgrades for all of the team’s skill position players.  In the long term, the question becomes how much Trubisky’s conduct damages the standing of the franchise; after the game 96 year-old team owner Virgina Halas McCaskey, daughter of Bears legend George Halas, announced that she is now a Vikings fan.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Move over Antonio Brown: Bears QB Mitch Trubisky became the latest high profile player to face team discipline on Friday, as GM Ryan Pace announced he faces an indefinite suspension for conduct detrimental to the team.  “This is a tough but necessary step for our organization,” Pace said.  “We feel that Mitch’s passes clearly constituted egregious conduct and were becoming too much of a distraction.”

Wow.  In the short term, this means Chase Daniel takes over as the Bears starting QB, which in turn means huge upgrades for all of the team’s skill position players.  In the long term, the question becomes how much Trubisky’s conduct damages the standing of the franchise; after the game 96 year-old team owner Virgina Halas McCaskey, daughter of Bears legend George Halas, announced that she is now a Vikings fan.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

NFLPA: “I Mean, Who Among Us Has Not Wanted to Punch Mike Mayock?”

Amidst the latest brouhaha surrounding Raiders WR Antonio Brown, including a reported altercation in which Brown threatened to hit GM Mike Mayock in the face, the NFL Players Associated has leapt to Brown’s defense with a public statement questioning exactly what Brown did wrong and if anyone can honestly come forward and claim they haven’t at least considered doing the same thing.  “I mean, sure, what Brown did was bad, but, like…was it actually?” the official statement read.

When asked about the NFLPA statement, Head Coach John Gruden revealed that he had co-signed it.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Amidst the latest brouhaha surrounding Raiders WR Antonio Brown, including a reported altercation in which Brown threatened to hit GM Mike Mayock in the face, the NFL Players Associated has leapt to Brown’s defense with a public statement questioning exactly what Brown did wrong and if anyone can honestly come forward and claim they haven’t at least considered doing the same thing.  “I mean, sure, what Brown did was bad, but, like…was it actually?” the official statement read.

When asked about the NFLPA statement, Head Coach John Gruden revealed that he had co-signed it.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

It’s Time: Thousands of Men Unfrozen from Their Cryogenic Chambers

It’s finally game day in the NFL, which means it’s time for scientists to begin the annual tradition of unfreezing the thousands of people who’ve been in voluntary cryostasis since February. Though many of these people report permanent side effects, such as losing feeling in their hands, feet, and penises, they all unanimously agree that missing the grueling weeks of OTA updates and Antonio Brown helmet play-by-play is more than worth the cost. “I c-c-c-an’t wait to see Andrew Luck l-l-ight it up this year!” said still shivering Colts fan Randy Mason.

Mason was immediately sedated and will be refrozen indefinitely per the wishes of his family.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

It’s finally game day in the NFL, which means it’s time for scientists to begin the annual tradition of unfreezing the thousands of people who’ve been in voluntary cryostasis since February. Though many of these people report permanent side effects, such as losing feeling in their hands, feet, and penises, they all unanimously agree that missing the grueling weeks of OTA updates and Antonio Brown helmet play-by-play is more than worth the cost. “I c-c-c-an’t wait to see Andrew Luck l-l-ight it up this year!” said still shivering Colts fan Randy Mason.

Mason was immediately sedated and will be refrozen indefinitely per the wishes of his family.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter