Blurbs by RotoBroski

Dak’s Hips Don’t Lie, Go on Extended Rant Criticizing Jerry Jones

Typically polished and professional, Dak Prescott took blame for the Cowboys 28-24 loss to the Vikings on Sunday, despite playing an outstanding game.  The same cannot be said for Dak’s hips, which were seen sashaying around the field in pregame warmups.  After the game, the hips went on an extended and, at times, profanity laded rant against Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.  “Not gonna lie,” Dak’s hips said, “I think Jerry has a lot of regressive views and he has become a malignant presence that has infected the organization top to bottom.”

Look for more from Dak’s hips in their new podcast Hip Check, available wherever you get your podcasts.  Powerless to stop his candid and eloquent hips, Dak is losing millions of dollars by the day.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Typically polished and professional, Dak Prescott took blame for the Cowboys 28-24 loss to the Vikings on Sunday, despite playing an outstanding game.  The same cannot be said for Dak’s hips, which were seen sashaying around the field in pregame warmups.  After the game, the hips went on an extended and, at times, profanity laded rant against Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.  “Not gonna lie,” Dak’s hips said, “I think Jerry has a lot of regressive views and he has become a malignant presence that has infected the organization top to bottom.”

Look for more from Dak’s hips in their new podcast Hip Check, available wherever you get your podcasts.  Powerless to stop his candid and eloquent hips, Dak is losing millions of dollars by the day.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Browns O-Line: “We Woke Up Feeling Dangerous”

Addressing reporters after the team’s 31-3 beatdown at the hands of the 49ers, the entire Browns offensive line said that on the morning of the game they, “woke up feeling dangerous, like really, REALLY dangerous, for Baker Mayfield in particular. We all just had this vague sense that he was in extreme and immediate danger.”  Left Tackle Greg Robinson elaborated that he had personally woken up with a deep sense of dread after having a dream in which Mayfield was stranded in the middle of the ocean and just getting absolutely ripped to shreds by a school of sharks.

“What do you think that means?”  Robinson asked reporters, who responded with stunned silence.  Mayfield should probably be moved down in ROS rankings, as we are very concerned for him.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Addressing reporters after the team’s 31-3 beatdown at the hands of the 49ers, the entire Browns offensive line said that on the morning of the game they, “woke up feeling dangerous, like really, REALLY dangerous, for Baker Mayfield in particular. We all just had this vague sense that he was in extreme and immediate danger.”  Left Tackle Greg Robinson elaborated that he had personally woken up with a deep sense of dread after having a dream in which Mayfield was stranded in the middle of the ocean and just getting absolutely ripped to shreds by a school of sharks.

“What do you think that means?”  Robinson asked reporters, who responded with stunned silence.  Mayfield should probably be moved down in ROS rankings, as we are very concerned for him.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Red Cross Opening Emergency Intake Centers for Owners Facing Fuller and Jones

In a press release issued on Monday morning, The Red Cross announced a nationwide effort to care for fantasy owners traumatized by the brutal onslaughts of Will Fuller and Aaron Jones.  The organization’s Intake Centers include a cot, a meal, and dozens of roving counselors repeatedly announcing “It’s not your fault.”  Journalists given a tour of the facilities reported seeing countless rows of shell-shocked owners, draped in blankets and clutching warm beverages in their lifeless hands as they muttered incoherently to themselves.

We haven’t done much research on this, but off the top of our heads this has to be the most important charitable endeavor currently underway in the United States.  Please give whatever you can.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

In a press release issued on Monday morning, The Red Cross announced a nationwide effort to care for fantasy owners traumatized by the brutal onslaughts of Will Fuller and Aaron Jones.  The organization’s Intake Centers include a cot, a meal, and dozens of roving counselors repeatedly announcing “It’s not your fault.”  Journalists given a tour of the facilities reported seeing countless rows of shell-shocked owners, draped in blankets and clutching warm beverages in their lifeless hands as they muttered incoherently to themselves.

We haven’t done much research on this, but off the top of our heads this has to be the most important charitable endeavor currently underway in the United States.  Please give whatever you can.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Switch from Gruden to Callahan Will Electrify Redskins, Per Dan Snyder’s Fevered Brain

Sources are telling Rotoblurb that the entire Redskins organization is ready to rally around new interim coach Bill Callahan and the team is now poised to make a deep playoff run, and those sources are the deluded ramblings of team owner Dan Snyder.  Callahan will bring innovative thinking the team’s offense, like a renewed emphasis on running the ball, and will solve each and every single of the team’s myriad issues almost overnight, the sources continued, giddy with laughter.

Wow, this is great news for all Redskins fantasy owners.  Run, don’t walk, to your waiver wire to see if by some miracle any piece of this offense, no matter how peripheral, is still available. RUN!

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Sources are telling Rotoblurb that the entire Redskins organization is ready to rally around new interim coach Bill Callahan and the team is now poised to make a deep playoff run, and those sources are the deluded ramblings of team owner Dan Snyder.  Callahan will bring innovative thinking the team’s offense, like a renewed emphasis on running the ball, and will solve each and every single of the team’s myriad issues almost overnight, the sources continued, giddy with laughter.

Wow, this is great news for all Redskins fantasy owners.  Run, don’t walk, to your waiver wire to see if by some miracle any piece of this offense, no matter how peripheral, is still available. RUN!

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Stunner: Vikings Notice that Diggs Isn’t At Practice

In a shocking development, the Vikings listed WR Stefon Diggs as absent from Wednesday’s practice, implying that they both know Diggs is a member of the team and that he wasn’t physically present on the field during team drills.  QB Kirk Cousins took credit for the realization, although he admitted it didn’t click until well after practice had already begun.  “It was right after we finished with fullback checkdown drills, and were moving to the WR run-blocking station, and I just happened to notice that no one was giving me the stink eye, which is extremely unusual for me,” Cousins said.

Diggs later revealed to the media that he has actually yet to practice at all this season, it’s just that the team had not noticed until Cousins’ revelation.  The situation for Diggs in Minnesota has gone from bad to worse, but don’t fret dynasty owners: Diggs will be an unrestricted free agent in 2024.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

In a shocking development, the Vikings listed WR Stefon Diggs as absent from Wednesday’s practice, implying that they both know Diggs is a member of the team and that he wasn’t physically present on the field during team drills.  QB Kirk Cousins took credit for the realization, although he admitted it didn’t click until well after practice had already begun.  “It was right after we finished with fullback checkdown drills, and were moving to the WR run-blocking station, and I just happened to notice that no one was giving me the stink eye, which is extremely unusual for me,” Cousins said.

Diggs later revealed to the media that he has actually yet to practice at all this season, it’s just that the team had not noticed until Cousins’ revelation.  The situation for Diggs in Minnesota has gone from bad to worse, but don’t fret dynasty owners: Diggs will be an unrestricted free agent in 2024.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Panicked Teddy Bridgewater Can’t Find Second Glove Anywhere

Saints QB Teddy Bridgewater was seen in a blind panic on Wednesday morning, as he rifled through his locker loudly whispering “Where is it…Where IS IT?” to himself.  Teammates reported that Bridgewater was squirrelly all morning and barely responded to their calls of “Yo, Teddy Two-Gloves!” and “Teddy Two-Glovesssss” as they passed him in the hallway.

This could affect Bridgewater’s preparation for the team’s Week 4 game against the Cowboys, as he has already missed multiple team meetings while retracing his steps and muttering “It HAS to be here somewhere” over and over again.  None of that appears to have worked, as he was last seen painting his left hand white.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Saints QB Teddy Bridgewater was seen in a blind panic on Wednesday morning, as he rifled through his locker loudly whispering “Where is it…Where IS IT?” to himself.  Teammates reported that Bridgewater was squirrelly all morning and barely responded to their calls of “Yo, Teddy Two-Gloves!” and “Teddy Two-Glovesssss” as they passed him in the hallway.

This could affect Bridgewater’s preparation for the team’s Week 4 game against the Cowboys, as he has already missed multiple team meetings while retracing his steps and muttering “It HAS to be here somewhere” over and over again.  None of that appears to have worked, as he was last seen painting his left hand white.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Eli Fumbles Clipboard Twice in Last-Second Giants Win

The Giants took down the Buccaneers on Sunday, improving to 1-2 on the season.  But it wasn’t all smooth sailing for the GMen, as QB Eli Manning bobbled his clipboard multiple times on the sideline and saw it go skittering to the turf.  The first time was early in the first quarter, and he may have just been getting used to the feel of the game. Fortunately, the clipboard was recovered by a member of the Giants.  The second time, however, was a much costlier fumble as the clipboard made its way onto the field and was handed back to Eli by Buccaneers defender.  How embarrassing.

Eli’s clipboard was also intercepted late in the third quarter, as he attempted to show a note to Head Coach Pat Shurmur and Offensive Coordinator Mike Shula stepped in and looked at it first.  Eli will have to get these mistakes under control if he wants to keep his backup job.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

The Giants took down the Buccaneers on Sunday, improving to 1-2 on the season.  But it wasn’t all smooth sailing for the GMen, as QB Eli Manning bobbled his clipboard multiple times on the sideline and saw it go skittering to the turf.  The first time was early in the first quarter, and he may have just been getting used to the feel of the game. Fortunately, the clipboard was recovered by a member of the Giants.  The second time, however, was a much costlier fumble as the clipboard made its way onto the field and was handed back to Eli by Buccaneers defender.  How embarrassing.

Eli’s clipboard was also intercepted late in the third quarter, as he attempted to show a note to Head Coach Pat Shurmur and Offensive Coordinator Mike Shula stepped in and looked at it first.  Eli will have to get these mistakes under control if he wants to keep his backup job.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

It Begins: Draft Analysts Hunted Down Like Rats After Daniel Jones Stars

Mere seconds after Giants QB Daniel Jones rushed for a touchdown late in the 4th quarter against the Bucs (his fourth total touchdown of the day), the booming, ceremonial horns rang out across the United States and bloodthirsty mobs flooded out into the streets in search of NFL draft analysts who had besmirched The Chosen One.  Woe unto them, for light and life hath forsaken them, and they shall know no mercy.

Those that are fortunate enough to survive this culling should still be on high alert; Josh Allen and the Bills take on the Patriots next week.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Mere seconds after Giants QB Daniel Jones rushed for a touchdown late in the 4th quarter against the Bucs (his fourth total touchdown of the day), the booming, ceremonial horns rang out across the United States and bloodthirsty mobs flooded out into the streets in search of NFL draft analysts who had besmirched The Chosen One.  Woe unto them, for light and life hath forsaken them, and they shall know no mercy.

Those that are fortunate enough to survive this culling should still be on high alert; Josh Allen and the Bills take on the Patriots next week.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Heartbreaking: NFL Fanbase Legitimately Clamoring for Ryan Tannehill

In a development so tragic that the ancient Greeks themselves couldn’t have dreamed it up, Tennessee Titans fans are advocating for Ryan Tannehill to become their team’s starting quarterback.  Legions of Titans fans are, vocally and without irony, using words like “savior” to describe the 31-year old QB with underwhelming statistics and a 42-46 career record as a starter. “I think Tannehill could give this offense the electricity it needs to carry the team to the Super Bowl,” tweeted @TitansGlory69, a tweet that will no doubt become the subject of a six-part miniseries on A&E.

*Editor’s Note: At the time of publishing this post, the RotoBlurb staff had not yet watched Marcus Mariota play in the Titans – Jaguars Week 3 TNF game.  Subsequently, the staff watched the game and now totally gets it.  Ryan Tannehill should start for the Titans in Week 4.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

In a development so tragic that the ancient Greeks themselves couldn’t have dreamed it up, Tennessee Titans fans are advocating for Ryan Tannehill to become their team’s starting quarterback.  Legions of Titans fans are, vocally and without irony, using words like “savior” to describe the 31-year old QB with underwhelming statistics and a 42-46 career record as a starter. “I think Tannehill could give this offense the electricity it needs to carry the team to the Super Bowl,” tweeted @TitansGlory69, a tweet that will no doubt become the subject of a six-part miniseries on A&E.

*Editor’s Note: At the time of publishing this post, the RotoBlurb staff had not yet watched Marcus Mariota play in the Titans – Jaguars Week 3 TNF game.  Subsequently, the staff watched the game and now totally gets it.  Ryan Tannehill should start for the Titans in Week 4.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Twitter Warns of Total Site Collapse If Minshew Stays This Good

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey warned site users on Friday morning about Gardner Minshew II, who, with his wacky backstory and meme-able mustache, has generated so much content that it has been putting a strain on Twitter’s operating abilities.  “Currently, our servers have the capacity to handle a fun little 5-6 game stretch where Minshew makes some plays but ultimately performs like a 6th round pick and fizzles out,” Dorsey tweeted from his silent meditation retreat in Bali.  “If he’s actually good enough to be a long term starter…frankly, we’re screwed.”

Dorsey added that Twitter has deployed a special team to be on 24 hour stand-by in the event that Donald Trump tweets about Minshew.  Should such a tweet occur, that team is authorized to preemptively and permanently shut down the site.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey warned site users on Friday morning about Gardner Minshew II, who, with his wacky backstory and meme-able mustache, has generated so much content that it has been putting a strain on Twitter’s operating abilities.  “Currently, our servers have the capacity to handle a fun little 5-6 game stretch where Minshew makes some plays but ultimately performs like a 6th round pick and fizzles out,” Dorsey tweeted from his silent meditation retreat in Bali.  “If he’s actually good enough to be a long term starter…frankly, we’re screwed.”

Dorsey added that Twitter has deployed a special team to be on 24 hour stand-by in the event that Donald Trump tweets about Minshew.  Should such a tweet occur, that team is authorized to preemptively and permanently shut down the site.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter