Blurbs by Bamari Booper

Ezekiel Elliott Continues Holdout, Offers Extremely Geographically-Specific Trade Options

As the running back landscape continues to shift, Ezekiel Elliott is standing his ground.  “You think I have to stay in Dallas, just because of this ankle monitor?  Wrong.  I can play anywhere in Texas.  Houston, I have a problem, and his name is Jerry Jones! Hit me up!”  Elliott also mentioned interest in joining the Mavericks, the Rangers, and the now-defunct San Antonio Commanders of the Alliance of American Football.

Elliott has treated his career to-date like a kid playing Grand Theft Auto for the first time, basically trying things out and seeing what gets the attention of the police.  For Elliott’s sake, we hope the Cowboys make their offer soon, lest he be relegated to goalie duty on the Houston Dynamo.

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

As the running back landscape continues to shift, Ezekiel Elliott is standing his ground.  “You think I have to stay in Dallas, just because of this ankle monitor?  Wrong.  I can play anywhere in Texas.  Houston, I have a problem, and his name is Jerry Jones! Hit me up!”  Elliott also mentioned interest in joining the Mavericks, the Rangers, and the now-defunct San Antonio Commanders of the Alliance of American Football.

Elliott has treated his career to-date like a kid playing Grand Theft Auto for the first time, basically trying things out and seeing what gets the attention of the police.  For Elliott’s sake, we hope the Cowboys make their offer soon, lest he be relegated to goalie duty on the Houston Dynamo.

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Leighton Vander Esch Turning Heads at Camp with Rare Size and Speed

Dallas-area businessman Tom Catman was thrilled to attend Cowboys practice for the first time.  “The grass is like, super cozy, I took a nap out here no problem.  Nobody gave me any trouble for the tuna I brought in.  None of the players freaked me out or anything.”  One player stood out in particular, superstar linebacker Leighton Vander Esch:  “He’s faster than a dog, and he’s bigger than a dang car!  Man I would not want to get bitten by this guy.”

It’s always good advice to take training camp observations with a grain of salt, especially when your source is several sentient cats jammed unconvincingly into a trench coat.  That said, Vander Esch was a terror on the field in 2018 and should prove to be a legitimate problem for offenses moving forward.  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Dallas-area businessman Tom Catman was thrilled to attend Cowboys practice for the first time.  “The grass is like, super cozy, I took a nap out here no problem.  Nobody gave me any trouble for the tuna I brought in.  None of the players freaked me out or anything.”  One player stood out in particular, superstar linebacker Leighton Vander Esch:  “He’s faster than a dog, and he’s bigger than a dang car!  Man I would not want to get bitten by this guy.”

It’s always good advice to take training camp observations with a grain of salt, especially when your source is several sentient cats jammed unconvincingly into a trench coat.  That said, Vander Esch was a terror on the field in 2018 and should prove to be a legitimate problem for offenses moving forward.  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Jason Witten Late to Practice, Not Fooling Anyone with Phone

Sources close to Jason Witten report that he’s been late to practice every day for almost two weeks.  “He acts like he’s in a hurry even though he’s like, 40 or 50 minutes late.  He does this thing where he pretends he’s stuck on an important phone call. Then he looks around at all of us and makes that ‘talking with his hand’ motion to show it’s the other guy who won’t stop talking, like Jason wants to hang up and get to work, but he can’t, and that’s why he’s late.  One time his phone rang while he was doing it. He’s not fooling anyone; it’s sad, and confusing, and kind of offensive.

Witten is an intriguing bounce-back candidate in 2019, although it’s troubling that he’s stooped to such embarrassing lows.  Being late is bad enough but this is an insult to the intelligence of his peers.  Who even talks on the phone anymore?

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Sources close to Jason Witten report that he’s been late to practice every day for almost two weeks.  “He acts like he’s in a hurry even though he’s like, 40 or 50 minutes late.  He does this thing where he pretends he’s stuck on an important phone call. Then he looks around at all of us and makes that ‘talking with his hand’ motion to show it’s the other guy who won’t stop talking, like Jason wants to hang up and get to work, but he can’t, and that’s why he’s late.  One time his phone rang while he was doing it. He’s not fooling anyone; it’s sad, and confusing, and kind of offensive.

Witten is an intriguing bounce-back candidate in 2019, although it’s troubling that he’s stooped to such embarrassing lows.  Being late is bad enough but this is an insult to the intelligence of his peers.  Who even talks on the phone anymore?

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter