Blurbs by Bamari Booper

Vikings Chaos Allows Dolphins to Fly Under Radar

As NFL fans turn their ire towards the Minnesota Vikings, who seemingly cannot do anything right, one team sighs its relief:  The Miami Dolphins are, at least for now, no longer the laughing stock of the NFL.  “Yeah, I mean before us, it was the Giants, and it turns out Daniel Jones is pretty good,” quipped Dolphins owner and founder, Mr. Miami F.  Dolphins.  “And then it was us, of course, with the sucking and all.  But I’m glad those vultures have moved on to someone else, if even only temporarily.”  Observing Josh Rosen launching an errant bomb into the bleachers, Dolphins commented, “I mean, at least we throw the ball sometimes.”

It’s one thing to tank your season, but does the owner really have to pump his fist and go “Yes!  Woo-hoo!” every time Rosen throws an interception?  If nothing else, the Dolphins can’t lose this weekend. 

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

As NFL fans turn their ire towards the Minnesota Vikings, who seemingly cannot do anything right, one team sighs its relief:  The Miami Dolphins are, at least for now, no longer the laughing stock of the NFL.  “Yeah, I mean before us, it was the Giants, and it turns out Daniel Jones is pretty good,” quipped Dolphins owner and founder, Mr. Miami F.  Dolphins.  “And then it was us, of course, with the sucking and all.  But I’m glad those vultures have moved on to someone else, if even only temporarily.”  Observing Josh Rosen launching an errant bomb into the bleachers, Dolphins commented, “I mean, at least we throw the ball sometimes.”

It’s one thing to tank your season, but does the owner really have to pump his fist and go “Yes!  Woo-hoo!” every time Rosen throws an interception?  If nothing else, the Dolphins can’t lose this weekend. 

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Melvin Gordon Spotted Parading Around with Exposed Midriff

Sources inside the Chargers locker room report Melvin Gordon has been spotted at practice with a large, false beard, and a cut-off shirt.  “I totally get it,” said one member of the Chargers’ staff.  “Zeke shows a little skin, next thing you know he’s getting 90 million.  This is the age we live in.”  Gordon was later seen eating entirely too much cereal out of a comically oversized bowl.

Analysts have cautioned against drawing parallels between the Elliott and Gordon holdouts, but we have to imagine Gordon’s efforts are being noticed by the Chargers’ front office.  Until Gordon begins emulating Elliott’s more concerning behaviors, we think this is mostly harmless.  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Sources inside the Chargers locker room report Melvin Gordon has been spotted at practice with a large, false beard, and a cut-off shirt.  “I totally get it,” said one member of the Chargers’ staff.  “Zeke shows a little skin, next thing you know he’s getting 90 million.  This is the age we live in.”  Gordon was later seen eating entirely too much cereal out of a comically oversized bowl.

Analysts have cautioned against drawing parallels between the Elliott and Gordon holdouts, but we have to imagine Gordon’s efforts are being noticed by the Chargers’ front office.  Until Gordon begins emulating Elliott’s more concerning behaviors, we think this is mostly harmless.  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Japanese Paradise Flycatcher Named “Bird of the Year” 2019!

Native to Southeast Asia, the male specimen of the Japanese Paradise Flycatcher (Terpsiphone atrocaudata) sports some incredibly long and beautiful tail-feathers.  The purply sheen is super nice, too.  One quick look at this bird and there can be no questioning why it was named the 2019 “Bird of the Year” by the illustrious Worldwide Bird Council.  Truly an A+ bird by anyone’s definition.

After the Andrew Luck stuff it seems like nothing is really newsworthy right now.  Check out this great bird.

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Native to Southeast Asia, the male specimen of the Japanese Paradise Flycatcher (Terpsiphone atrocaudata) sports some incredibly long and beautiful tail-feathers.  The purply sheen is super nice, too.  One quick look at this bird and there can be no questioning why it was named the 2019 “Bird of the Year” by the illustrious Worldwide Bird Council.  Truly an A+ bird by anyone’s definition.

After the Andrew Luck stuff it seems like nothing is really newsworthy right now.  Check out this great bird.

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Antonio Brown to Pick New Helmet Soon; Nearing Endorsement Deal

Sources close to the mercurial receiver have suggested Antonio Brown is close to picking a new helmet and returning to the field.  “He’s got a new sponsorship, too.  This season, Antonio is proud to represent Schutt AiR Advantage, specifically the 2009 model he’s worn throughout his career.  The sponsorship will only allow him to wear the 2009 model. We can’t wait to see him play!”

Congratulations to Antonio Brown. 

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Sources close to the mercurial receiver have suggested Antonio Brown is close to picking a new helmet and returning to the field.  “He’s got a new sponsorship, too.  This season, Antonio is proud to represent Schutt AiR Advantage, specifically the 2009 model he’s worn throughout his career.  The sponsorship will only allow him to wear the 2009 model. We can’t wait to see him play!”

Congratulations to Antonio Brown. 

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Melvin Gordon Poised to Continue Holdout Deep into Regular Season

The fucking Chargers, who famously cannot do anything right, continue their one-organization conspiracy to RUIN MY LIFE!

FUCK!

Ed. Note:  Mr. Booper has again been reprimanded for his substandard, overly-personal “reporting.”  He apparently “owns MelGo everywhere.”

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

The fucking Chargers, who famously cannot do anything right, continue their one-organization conspiracy to RUIN MY LIFE!

FUCK!

Ed. Note:  Mr. Booper has again been reprimanded for his substandard, overly-personal “reporting.”  He apparently “owns MelGo everywhere.”

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Antonio Brown Returns to Practice After Helmet Fiasco

Adam Schefter has reported that Antonio Brown was seen at Raiders practice Monday morning despite his weekend meltdown.  Sources say Brown was indeed present at practice, but he wasn’t there to play football.  “He swung in on this vine like Tarzan and he was doing the Tarzan yodel and everything.  It was nuts, man.  He was wearing the new helmet though.”  Beat reporters in attendance noted that Brown had climbed the goal posts and was “yelling out of his butt like Ace Ventura.”

We think it’s great that Brown is back on the field, even if he’s not exactly practicing yet. He’s got plenty of practice already, this is probably fine.

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Adam Schefter has reported that Antonio Brown was seen at Raiders practice Monday morning despite his weekend meltdown.  Sources say Brown was indeed present at practice, but he wasn’t there to play football.  “He swung in on this vine like Tarzan and he was doing the Tarzan yodel and everything.  It was nuts, man.  He was wearing the new helmet though.”  Beat reporters in attendance noted that Brown had climbed the goal posts and was “yelling out of his butt like Ace Ventura.”

We think it’s great that Brown is back on the field, even if he’s not exactly practicing yet. He’s got plenty of practice already, this is probably fine.

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Dak Prescott Unsatisfied with $30,000,000/Season, Seeking “Infinity Dollars.”

About to enter his fourth NFL season, quarterback Dak Prescott wants to be the highest-paid player in the NFL, and also the highest-paid man on earth.  According to Cowboys sources, Prescott recently rejected an offer averaging $30 million dollars annually, which would make him the fifth-highest-paid quarterback in the league.  When an exasperated Jerry Jones asked Prescott what he wanted, Prescott raised his pinky finger to his lips and replied “Infinity Dollars.”  It is not immediately clear if he is serious.

Even $30,000,000 would place Prescott well ahead of Drew Brees, Andrew Luck, Philip Rivers, Tom Brady, and Cam Newton.  If Prescott is willing to hold out until Jones can come up with infinity dollars, it is possible he will miss all of the 2019 season.  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

About to enter his fourth NFL season, quarterback Dak Prescott wants to be the highest-paid player in the NFL, and also the highest-paid man on earth.  According to Cowboys sources, Prescott recently rejected an offer averaging $30 million dollars annually, which would make him the fifth-highest-paid quarterback in the league.  When an exasperated Jerry Jones asked Prescott what he wanted, Prescott raised his pinky finger to his lips and replied “Infinity Dollars.”  It is not immediately clear if he is serious.

Even $30,000,000 would place Prescott well ahead of Drew Brees, Andrew Luck, Philip Rivers, Tom Brady, and Cam Newton.  If Prescott is willing to hold out until Jones can come up with infinity dollars, it is possible he will miss all of the 2019 season.  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Did Former Browns Punter Spencer Lanning Place Bayou Revenge Hex on Antonio Brown’s Feet Using Cajun Magic?

Spencer Lanning, currently a free agent, has been suspected of casting a Cajun voodoo spell on Antonio Brown’s feet.  In 2014, Brown famously kicked Lanning in the face during a punt return, “posterizing” the former Brown, leaving him with a loose tooth and a long-lasting grudge.  Lanning was interviewed in a smoke-filled hut along Louisiana’s southern swamp-line:  “Moi?  Ze cairse on ze foot of Ay Bay?  Ah wood NEVAIR!”

We tend to believe Lanning, but why did the smoke take the shape of a giant green skull when he said “never?”  And why did he have those two books, the ones on Cajun Revenge Hexes and the 2014 Podiatrist’s Manual?  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Spencer Lanning, currently a free agent, has been suspected of casting a Cajun voodoo spell on Antonio Brown’s feet.  In 2014, Brown famously kicked Lanning in the face during a punt return, “posterizing” the former Brown, leaving him with a loose tooth and a long-lasting grudge.  Lanning was interviewed in a smoke-filled hut along Louisiana’s southern swamp-line:  “Moi?  Ze cairse on ze foot of Ay Bay?  Ah wood NEVAIR!”

We tend to believe Lanning, but why did the smoke take the shape of a giant green skull when he said “never?”  And why did he have those two books, the ones on Cajun Revenge Hexes and the 2014 Podiatrist’s Manual?  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Freddie Kitchens Makes Good on Promise; Fires Everyone

Early Wednesday morning, 44-year-old adult man “Freddie” Kitchens threatened to fire anyone who acted as an “unnamed source” for the media.  After almost-immediately realizing unnamed sources could be anyone, Kitchens fired the entire Cleveland Browns organization, including the players.   Kitchens, long-praised for his blue-collar attitude, was adamant he’d done the right thing:  “Yeah it was a short-sighted and meaningless threat, but what was I going to do, not fire everyone?  Can’t make an omelette without firing a few everyones.”

After an existential crisis, Kitchens went on to fire himself.  Will a re-organized Cleveland turn to Hue Jackson?  This is a situation to monitor.  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Early Wednesday morning, 44-year-old adult man “Freddie” Kitchens threatened to fire anyone who acted as an “unnamed source” for the media.  After almost-immediately realizing unnamed sources could be anyone, Kitchens fired the entire Cleveland Browns organization, including the players.   Kitchens, long-praised for his blue-collar attitude, was adamant he’d done the right thing:  “Yeah it was a short-sighted and meaningless threat, but what was I going to do, not fire everyone?  Can’t make an omelette without firing a few everyones.”

After an existential crisis, Kitchens went on to fire himself.  Will a re-organized Cleveland turn to Hue Jackson?  This is a situation to monitor.  

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Dallas CLOWNboys to Risk RUINING EVERYTHING by Letting Amari Cooper Play Out Final Year of Deal!?

So, what, charismatic Adonis Amari Cooper shows up out of nowhere and injects some fucking life into this fiesta, for once, and you’re not even gonna renew his ass?  How are you gonna tag me AND Dak?  Huh?  You only have one tag, stupid!

I built this franchise and I can destroy it, you hear me Jerry!?

Ed. Note:  We’ve spoken to Mr. Booper, a totally-real and separate person from Amari Cooper, and he understands that this sort of “news” is below RotoBlurb’s standards and he will refrain from such outbursts moving forward.

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

So, what, charismatic Adonis Amari Cooper shows up out of nowhere and injects some fucking life into this fiesta, for once, and you’re not even gonna renew his ass?  How are you gonna tag me AND Dak?  Huh?  You only have one tag, stupid!

I built this franchise and I can destroy it, you hear me Jerry!?

Ed. Note:  We’ve spoken to Mr. Booper, a totally-real and separate person from Amari Cooper, and he understands that this sort of “news” is below RotoBlurb’s standards and he will refrain from such outbursts moving forward.

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter