Blurbs by TheFFRotoGuruGuy

Coach Arians Says TE O.J. Howard ‘Ready To Roll Sushi’ This Week

Howard recently signed up for an online “Sushi for Beginners” class. Said Howard: “I spend so much money going out for sushi that I thought, how hard could it be to make myself?” Howard has already purchased rice, nori, tuna, and avocados and plans to have Cameron Brate and Tanner Hudson over soon for a “Buccaneers Maki Night.”

Sounds like a nice time for OJ and the gang, though we are doubtful he’ll be able to hold onto the notoriously slippery fish.

Howard recently signed up for an online “Sushi for Beginners” class. Said Howard: “I spend so much money going out for sushi that I thought, how hard could it be to make myself?” Howard has already purchased rice, nori, tuna, and avocados and plans to have Cameron Brate and Tanner Hudson over soon for a “Buccaneers Maki Night.”

Sounds like a nice time for OJ and the gang, though we are doubtful he’ll be able to hold onto the notoriously slippery fish.

9/18/2026: Toronto Argonauts Fail To Get Duke Johnson Involved

After signing the 32 year-old journeyman running back to the largest contract in CFL history, the Argonauts responded by giving Johnson six carries and only one target in their Week 2 loss to the Ottawa Redblacks. 43 year-old Frank Gore led the Argonauts on the ground with a workmanlike 65 yards on 29 carries.

Until Toronto commits to using Duke more heavily in the pass game, he must remain on your bench in all CFL fantasy leagues.

After signing the 32 year-old journeyman running back to the largest contract in CFL history, the Argonauts responded by giving Johnson six carries and only one target in their Week 2 loss to the Ottawa Redblacks. 43 year-old Frank Gore led the Argonauts on the ground with a workmanlike 65 yards on 29 carries.

Until Toronto commits to using Duke more heavily in the pass game, he must remain on your bench in all CFL fantasy leagues.

Tom From 10-Team Home League Debates Adding John Ross, Elects To Carry 3 Defenses Instead

Despite a terrifyingly thin WR core that suffered injuries to Tyreek Hill and Devin Funchess, Tom Rockwell couldn’t bring himself to cut one of his three defenses to add a pass catcher on a waiver wire loaded with WR options.

Tom will definitely pick the wrong defense to start in Week 2.

Despite a terrifyingly thin WR core that suffered injuries to Tyreek Hill and Devin Funchess, Tom Rockwell couldn’t bring himself to cut one of his three defenses to add a pass catcher on a waiver wire loaded with WR options.

Tom will definitely pick the wrong defense to start in Week 2.

Home Depot Shopper Asks Gardner Minshew Where The Plywood Is At

Fresh off his first game of NFL action, Minshew was pulled aside at a local Jacksonville Home Depot and politely asked where the plywood could be found. Minshew was there shopping for light fixtures for his new condo after Sunday’s game and humbly directed the shopper to Aisle 9.

If things don’t work out with the Jaguars, Minshew has a fallback employment option thanks to his encyclopedic knowledge of the Home Depot floor plan.

Fresh off his first game of NFL action, Minshew was pulled aside at a local Jacksonville Home Depot and politely asked where the plywood could be found. Minshew was there shopping for light fixtures for his new condo after Sunday’s game and humbly directed the shopper to Aisle 9.

If things don’t work out with the Jaguars, Minshew has a fallback employment option thanks to his encyclopedic knowledge of the Home Depot floor plan.

Ezekiel Elliott Irish Exits Wet T-Shirt Contest At Señor Frogs

At his agent’s behest, Zeke is leaving Cabo to return to Dallas in case his extension gets done. The move came as a surprise to the patrons of Señor Frogs, who had just sprayed Elliott down with tequila via a squirt gun. No one could be reached for comment over the deafening sounds of whistles and airhorns.

Looks like Zeke is gonna have to put SPRING BREAAAAAAAAAK on hold for now.

At his agent’s behest, Zeke is leaving Cabo to return to Dallas in case his extension gets done. The move came as a surprise to the patrons of Señor Frogs, who had just sprayed Elliott down with tequila via a squirt gun. No one could be reached for comment over the deafening sounds of whistles and airhorns.

Looks like Zeke is gonna have to put SPRING BREAAAAAAAAAK on hold for now.

Miami Brings in Vinny

Coach Brian Flores confirmed the rumor Thursday, telling reporters that as a former Heisman trophy winner who played his college ball in Miami, “Testaverde is the perfect fit to help usher in a youth movement and a new era of Dolphins football.” Said the retired journeyman quarterback on the move: “I’m excited about this opportunity. I feel fresh. I feel good. I’m excited to help lead this team to a Super Bowl in the coming years.”

The Dolphins are fully committed to the rebuild.

Coach Brian Flores confirmed the rumor Thursday, telling reporters that as a former Heisman trophy winner who played his college ball in Miami, “Testaverde is the perfect fit to help usher in a youth movement and a new era of Dolphins football.” Said the retired journeyman quarterback on the move: “I’m excited about this opportunity. I feel fresh. I feel good. I’m excited to help lead this team to a Super Bowl in the coming years.”

The Dolphins are fully committed to the rebuild.

Novelist Jonathan Franzen Predicts Melvin Gordon Back Week 1

The famed writer behind classic novels such as The Corrections and Freedom weighed in on Twitter earlier today with his opinion on Melvin Gordon’s holdout.

Otherwise known for his sprawling epics, his succinct tweet has sent fantasy owners in a frenzy as they frantically adjust their ranks.

The famed writer behind classic novels such as The Corrections and Freedom weighed in on Twitter earlier today with his opinion on Melvin Gordon’s holdout.

Otherwise known for his sprawling epics, his succinct tweet has sent fantasy owners in a frenzy as they frantically adjust their ranks.

Multi-Millionaire Retires At 29 After Wildly Successful Career

Andrew Luck announced his retirement on Saturday night.

It is great to see NFL fans come together on Twitter to unanimously celebrate a man fulfilling the American dream by making millions, retiring young, and leaving a brutal line of employment to spend time with family.

Andrew Luck announced his retirement on Saturday night.

It is great to see NFL fans come together on Twitter to unanimously celebrate a man fulfilling the American dream by making millions, retiring young, and leaving a brutal line of employment to spend time with family.

Tout Leaves Draft Without Player He ‘Refuses To Leave Draft Without’

After repeatedly telling listeners on multiple podcast episodes last week that he “refuses to leave a draft without Darwin Thompson,” Joe Rodgers was sniped in his hometown league draft on Wednesday evening. Joe’s high school buddy and former PE badminton partner Jared Morse took Thompson in the 9th round. Quipped Morse: “Shouldn’t go on so many fucking podcasts, J-Slice.”

Sometimes being over exposed on the fantasy podcast circuit has its downsides.

After repeatedly telling listeners on multiple podcast episodes last week that he “refuses to leave a draft without Darwin Thompson,” Joe Rodgers was sniped in his hometown league draft on Wednesday evening. Joe’s high school buddy and former PE badminton partner Jared Morse took Thompson in the 9th round. Quipped Morse: “Shouldn’t go on so many fucking podcasts, J-Slice.”

Sometimes being over exposed on the fantasy podcast circuit has its downsides.

Antonio Brown On Hard Knocks: “Men Lie. Women Lie….Little Kids Lie?”

On Tuesday’s episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks, Brown made the bizarre statement that has befuddled the NFL sphere since the episode aired. Shortly after, producers claimed that Brown also muttered, “Dogs lie, too. Same with cats. Even fucking ferrets lie, man. Can’t trust a ferret for nothin.”

Safe to say Antonio Brown literally trusts no one right now.

On Tuesday’s episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks, Brown made the bizarre statement that has befuddled the NFL sphere since the episode aired. Shortly after, producers claimed that Brown also muttered, “Dogs lie, too. Same with cats. Even fucking ferrets lie, man. Can’t trust a ferret for nothin.”

Safe to say Antonio Brown literally trusts no one right now.