Dak’s Hips Don’t Lie, Go on Extended Rant Criticizing Jerry Jones

Typically polished and professional, Dak Prescott took blame for the Cowboys 28-24 loss to the Vikings on Sunday, despite playing an outstanding game.  The same cannot be said for Dak’s hips, which were seen sashaying around the field in pregame warmups.  After the game, the hips went on an extended and, at times, profanity laded rant against Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.  “Not gonna lie,” Dak’s hips said, “I think Jerry has a lot of regressive views and he has become a malignant presence that has infected the organization top to bottom.”

Look for more from Dak’s hips in their new podcast Hip Check, available wherever you get your podcasts.  Powerless to stop his candid and eloquent hips, Dak is losing millions of dollars by the day.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Typically polished and professional, Dak Prescott took blame for the Cowboys 28-24 loss to the Vikings on Sunday, despite playing an outstanding game.  The same cannot be said for Dak’s hips, which were seen sashaying around the field in pregame warmups.  After the game, the hips went on an extended and, at times, profanity laded rant against Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.  “Not gonna lie,” Dak’s hips said, “I think Jerry has a lot of regressive views and he has become a malignant presence that has infected the organization top to bottom.”

Look for more from Dak’s hips in their new podcast Hip Check, available wherever you get your podcasts.  Powerless to stop his candid and eloquent hips, Dak is losing millions of dollars by the day.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Carroll Expecting Return to Form Against 49ers

“Anytime you get into a shootout situation, you know something’s gone wrong,” Pete Carroll told reporters on Tuesday. “Thank goodness we won by a single score at least. But just watching Russ pass for all those TDs [shudder], you really hate to see it. This week though I think we’re in a great position to score no more than 14 points and lose a close one. It’ll be pure Seahawks football on Monday Night.”

FML

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

“Anytime you get into a shootout situation, you know something’s gone wrong,” Pete Carroll told reporters on Tuesday. “Thank goodness we won by a single score at least. But just watching Russ pass for all those TDs [shudder], you really hate to see it. This week though I think we’re in a great position to score no more than 14 points and lose a close one. It’ll be pure Seahawks football on Monday Night.”

FML

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Coach Arians Says TE O.J. Howard ‘Ready To Roll Sushi’ This Week

Howard recently signed up for an online “Sushi for Beginners” class. Said Howard: “I spend so much money going out for sushi that I thought, how hard could it be to make myself?” Howard has already purchased rice, nori, tuna, and avocados and plans to have Cameron Brate and Tanner Hudson over soon for a “Buccaneers Maki Night.”

Sounds like a nice time for OJ and the gang, though we are doubtful he’ll be able to hold onto the notoriously slippery fish.

Howard recently signed up for an online “Sushi for Beginners” class. Said Howard: “I spend so much money going out for sushi that I thought, how hard could it be to make myself?” Howard has already purchased rice, nori, tuna, and avocados and plans to have Cameron Brate and Tanner Hudson over soon for a “Buccaneers Maki Night.”

Sounds like a nice time for OJ and the gang, though we are doubtful he’ll be able to hold onto the notoriously slippery fish.

Saquon Setback: Fracture Detected in Adamantium Fibula

The Giants medical staff was shocked to discover on Tuesday what they believe to be a spiral fracture in Barkley’s adamantium coated fibula. The adamantium, heretofore believed to be an indestructible and immortal metal coating to Barkely’s skeleton, was reportedly shattered when Barkley flexed his calf a little to hard.

Barkley will now need to be cut open from head to toe and have molten mythical metal re-fused to his bones. Following the surgery, it’s likely that he misses at least the first series of Thursday’s game.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

The Giants medical staff was shocked to discover on Tuesday what they believe to be a spiral fracture in Barkley’s adamantium coated fibula. The adamantium, heretofore believed to be an indestructible and immortal metal coating to Barkely’s skeleton, was reportedly shattered when Barkley flexed his calf a little to hard.

Barkley will now need to be cut open from head to toe and have molten mythical metal re-fused to his bones. Following the surgery, it’s likely that he misses at least the first series of Thursday’s game.

Source: RotoScientist on Twitter

Browns O-Line: “We Woke Up Feeling Dangerous”

Addressing reporters after the team’s 31-3 beatdown at the hands of the 49ers, the entire Browns offensive line said that on the morning of the game they, “woke up feeling dangerous, like really, REALLY dangerous, for Baker Mayfield in particular. We all just had this vague sense that he was in extreme and immediate danger.”  Left Tackle Greg Robinson elaborated that he had personally woken up with a deep sense of dread after having a dream in which Mayfield was stranded in the middle of the ocean and just getting absolutely ripped to shreds by a school of sharks.

“What do you think that means?”  Robinson asked reporters, who responded with stunned silence.  Mayfield should probably be moved down in ROS rankings, as we are very concerned for him.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Addressing reporters after the team’s 31-3 beatdown at the hands of the 49ers, the entire Browns offensive line said that on the morning of the game they, “woke up feeling dangerous, like really, REALLY dangerous, for Baker Mayfield in particular. We all just had this vague sense that he was in extreme and immediate danger.”  Left Tackle Greg Robinson elaborated that he had personally woken up with a deep sense of dread after having a dream in which Mayfield was stranded in the middle of the ocean and just getting absolutely ripped to shreds by a school of sharks.

“What do you think that means?”  Robinson asked reporters, who responded with stunned silence.  Mayfield should probably be moved down in ROS rankings, as we are very concerned for him.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Red Cross Opening Emergency Intake Centers for Owners Facing Fuller and Jones

In a press release issued on Monday morning, The Red Cross announced a nationwide effort to care for fantasy owners traumatized by the brutal onslaughts of Will Fuller and Aaron Jones.  The organization’s Intake Centers include a cot, a meal, and dozens of roving counselors repeatedly announcing “It’s not your fault.”  Journalists given a tour of the facilities reported seeing countless rows of shell-shocked owners, draped in blankets and clutching warm beverages in their lifeless hands as they muttered incoherently to themselves.

We haven’t done much research on this, but off the top of our heads this has to be the most important charitable endeavor currently underway in the United States.  Please give whatever you can.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

In a press release issued on Monday morning, The Red Cross announced a nationwide effort to care for fantasy owners traumatized by the brutal onslaughts of Will Fuller and Aaron Jones.  The organization’s Intake Centers include a cot, a meal, and dozens of roving counselors repeatedly announcing “It’s not your fault.”  Journalists given a tour of the facilities reported seeing countless rows of shell-shocked owners, draped in blankets and clutching warm beverages in their lifeless hands as they muttered incoherently to themselves.

We haven’t done much research on this, but off the top of our heads this has to be the most important charitable endeavor currently underway in the United States.  Please give whatever you can.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Switch from Gruden to Callahan Will Electrify Redskins, Per Dan Snyder’s Fevered Brain

Sources are telling Rotoblurb that the entire Redskins organization is ready to rally around new interim coach Bill Callahan and the team is now poised to make a deep playoff run, and those sources are the deluded ramblings of team owner Dan Snyder.  Callahan will bring innovative thinking the team’s offense, like a renewed emphasis on running the ball, and will solve each and every single of the team’s myriad issues almost overnight, the sources continued, giddy with laughter.

Wow, this is great news for all Redskins fantasy owners.  Run, don’t walk, to your waiver wire to see if by some miracle any piece of this offense, no matter how peripheral, is still available. RUN!

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Sources are telling Rotoblurb that the entire Redskins organization is ready to rally around new interim coach Bill Callahan and the team is now poised to make a deep playoff run, and those sources are the deluded ramblings of team owner Dan Snyder.  Callahan will bring innovative thinking the team’s offense, like a renewed emphasis on running the ball, and will solve each and every single of the team’s myriad issues almost overnight, the sources continued, giddy with laughter.

Wow, this is great news for all Redskins fantasy owners.  Run, don’t walk, to your waiver wire to see if by some miracle any piece of this offense, no matter how peripheral, is still available. RUN!

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Vikings Chaos Allows Dolphins to Fly Under Radar

As NFL fans turn their ire towards the Minnesota Vikings, who seemingly cannot do anything right, one team sighs its relief:  The Miami Dolphins are, at least for now, no longer the laughing stock of the NFL.  “Yeah, I mean before us, it was the Giants, and it turns out Daniel Jones is pretty good,” quipped Dolphins owner and founder, Mr. Miami F.  Dolphins.  “And then it was us, of course, with the sucking and all.  But I’m glad those vultures have moved on to someone else, if even only temporarily.”  Observing Josh Rosen launching an errant bomb into the bleachers, Dolphins commented, “I mean, at least we throw the ball sometimes.”

It’s one thing to tank your season, but does the owner really have to pump his fist and go “Yes!  Woo-hoo!” every time Rosen throws an interception?  If nothing else, the Dolphins can’t lose this weekend. 

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

As NFL fans turn their ire towards the Minnesota Vikings, who seemingly cannot do anything right, one team sighs its relief:  The Miami Dolphins are, at least for now, no longer the laughing stock of the NFL.  “Yeah, I mean before us, it was the Giants, and it turns out Daniel Jones is pretty good,” quipped Dolphins owner and founder, Mr. Miami F.  Dolphins.  “And then it was us, of course, with the sucking and all.  But I’m glad those vultures have moved on to someone else, if even only temporarily.”  Observing Josh Rosen launching an errant bomb into the bleachers, Dolphins commented, “I mean, at least we throw the ball sometimes.”

It’s one thing to tank your season, but does the owner really have to pump his fist and go “Yes!  Woo-hoo!” every time Rosen throws an interception?  If nothing else, the Dolphins can’t lose this weekend. 

Source: Bamari Booper on Twitter

Stunner: Vikings Notice that Diggs Isn’t At Practice

In a shocking development, the Vikings listed WR Stefon Diggs as absent from Wednesday’s practice, implying that they both know Diggs is a member of the team and that he wasn’t physically present on the field during team drills.  QB Kirk Cousins took credit for the realization, although he admitted it didn’t click until well after practice had already begun.  “It was right after we finished with fullback checkdown drills, and were moving to the WR run-blocking station, and I just happened to notice that no one was giving me the stink eye, which is extremely unusual for me,” Cousins said.

Diggs later revealed to the media that he has actually yet to practice at all this season, it’s just that the team had not noticed until Cousins’ revelation.  The situation for Diggs in Minnesota has gone from bad to worse, but don’t fret dynasty owners: Diggs will be an unrestricted free agent in 2024.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

In a shocking development, the Vikings listed WR Stefon Diggs as absent from Wednesday’s practice, implying that they both know Diggs is a member of the team and that he wasn’t physically present on the field during team drills.  QB Kirk Cousins took credit for the realization, although he admitted it didn’t click until well after practice had already begun.  “It was right after we finished with fullback checkdown drills, and were moving to the WR run-blocking station, and I just happened to notice that no one was giving me the stink eye, which is extremely unusual for me,” Cousins said.

Diggs later revealed to the media that he has actually yet to practice at all this season, it’s just that the team had not noticed until Cousins’ revelation.  The situation for Diggs in Minnesota has gone from bad to worse, but don’t fret dynasty owners: Diggs will be an unrestricted free agent in 2024.

Source: RotoBroski on Twitter

Zimmer Benches Cousins For Not Punching Thielen

A source inside the Vikings’ locker room tells Rotoblurb that head coach Mike Zimmer has benched Kirk Cousins after the quarterback refused to punch receiver Adam Thielen in the face after Thielen made critical comments of Cousins and the Minnesota passing attack. “Zim called Kirk a cuck and said he was finished as starter,” the source said.

Zimmer has ordered team doctors to test the testosterone levels of backup QB Sean Mannion.

Source: FFSerialKiller on Twitter

A source inside the Vikings’ locker room tells Rotoblurb that head coach Mike Zimmer has benched Kirk Cousins after the quarterback refused to punch receiver Adam Thielen in the face after Thielen made critical comments of Cousins and the Minnesota passing attack. “Zim called Kirk a cuck and said he was finished as starter,” the source said.

Zimmer has ordered team doctors to test the testosterone levels of backup QB Sean Mannion.

Source: FFSerialKiller on Twitter